Often Irreverant with no Sacred Cows

Not the Blogger

2009-06-20T21:59:00.002-04:00

Maybe you've noticed. Maybe you haven't. Lately I haven't been my normal witty, pithy, random, funny, yet sensually titillating self. I'm not sure why.. It might be that Iran is protesting, Obama hasnt repealed Dont Ask Dont Tell Or You're Fucked. It may be that I have been preoccupied with other things in my life like this pimple on my upper lip. Whatever the case may be, I haven't Been blogging. I just haven't felt that nauseating gaseous explosive diarrhea blog feeling like I normally do every morning when I wake up. During this period of blog constipation, I have noticed that I have been spending an ungodly amount of time reading other people's blogs. I peruse countless entries peering into each and every one of the bloggers lives gaining entry into their personality, their mental capacity and even how they live their personal lives. I find it completely a waste of time and yet so fascinating I can't stop. It's like a pervert peeping through his very first window, shaking, watching, anticipating that something good will come along, something exciting will happen.

As I journeyed on jumping carelessly from Blog to Blog, I truly became educated in the ways of blogging and came to the most interesting conclusion: People are fucking idiots. Why blog about Mundane things? I realize that this idea made Reality TV, the rating whore it is today but I don't think Reality blogging has caught on. Honestly, we as voyeurs don't give a shit about your 50th attempt at dieting. You, my dearest, are a fat ass and obviously you will remain so. Please accept that fact and find something more interesting to write. Nor do we want to know about your vacations. Frankly were pissed you got to go instead of us. No, we don't want to see the pictures of Uncle Frank in his Speedos at the waterfall and no we don't want to see the video of the entire trip to Sandusky, Ohio either. Well, unless there is a section of you and the wife getting it on. At least then we get a choice- horniness or horror.

Who gives a fat fart about your kids 13th birthday part at Surf and Swim. We don't! Actually if your kid drowned, then by all means, please blog about it. My favorite entries of all time are the bloggers who bitch and moan about blogs. It drives me crazy. Why must you feel the need to waste everyone's time bitching about what you don't like in blogs? Who gives a shit about what you like and what you don't like in blog content? Don't read it! Click the back button. Hit the "x" in the upper right hand corner. Take a hammer to your monitor. Tie a rope around your neck. Do something but for Jesus-Buddha-Allah-Joseph Smith -Christ don't blog about blogging. It's fucking retarded and besides it pisses me off. Unless I do it...like now... and then it's ok... cuz it's me and not you. Shut up.

I spend countless seconds zipping from one blog to the next sometimes staring at various entries with wreckless abandonment. I feel like a kid in the cookie jar. I just know I'm about to get caught and frankly I wish I would so I can ask the question “Why were you even born?" I realize this sounds harsh but clearly this blogging nonsense has gotten way out of hand. When are we, as bloggers, gonna stand up and say NO MORE! ........ Well....We're not and that's final. No. Don't think another thought. Don’t ask another question. Just accept that we as bloggers are more retarded than the Special Olympics. We still and WILL blog about anything that comes to our pea-sized brains. I'm okay if you're okay. I don't have the answers as to why. I just know the question and only because I am really great at Jeopardy.

And as a Final Thought: To the person driving the special gold edition gold colored Lexus- who will sadly never read this blog-You are a Cunt face for parking in my spot. No it doesn't have my name on it but I have been parking there for the last three months and those are clearly my oil leak spots. So please kindly park somewhere else you son of a crack whore's sisters aunt's uncle who fucked your mother.

Fake Lady Bugs

2009-02-27T13:45:00.004-05:00

There are fake lady bugs in my office and I have no idea why. They weren't here yesterday but when I came in this morning there they were. I count 3. 2 on the floor and one buzzing around the fluorescent. Strange huh? I have no idea how they ended up here but I do know they are having a shitty day just like I am...

Bleh.

My day didn't start of shitty. I woke up. Took a shower. Looked at myself in the mirror and realized how fat I am and then it went downhill from there. Even my Moobs are sagging in defeat. I was planning on leaving work early today. No one is here. Except one consultant, who apparently needs to get his security badge and the only time he can do it is at 4PM. SOOOO here I am... with nothing to do.... waiting until 4PM so I can badge someone into a door... so frustrating. On the bright side, if this is the worst of my problems I guess I am doing ok huh?

Moobs are still sagging, sigh. Depressing.

I am going out of town this weekend to attend a Theatre Festival. I am excited since it is at my old Alma Mater and I have been asked to be the Critic Judge. I was super stoked until I was told that I couldn't act like Simon Cowell. So now I am just gonna pop pills, drink till I am drunk and tell everyone I love them. Thanks Paula.

Can nipples really point that far south? They are beginning to look like a 90 year old woman's tits that have nipple weights clamped to them... saggy baggy bo-baggy saggy.

OOPS. 2 fake lady bugs. I accidentally stepped on one. Damn. I am sure that is some Buddhist Monk reincarnated and now I am gonna pay the price for all eternity. I'll probably come back as a reincarnated straight republican pentecostal with 10 children. My own version of gay hell.

Well hopefully 5PM will get here soon. I have Happy Hour plans and nothing can make a day better than Vodka. I fully endorse it. Sadly, I have to go through 4 more hours of sitting in this office with fake lady bugs with nothing to do. Maybe I should practice beating my head against my desk. I wonder what the fire alarm sounds like....

My Randomness has left me and I just stepped on my Moob. Must deal with the pain. See the update below about an earlier post.

UPDATE: New look coming later than sooner. My computer crapped out on me so I have to buy a new one. However, before I can do that, I have to drop $1k on a new bed. Recession? What Recession.

UPDATE 2: I still may blog about the right wing piece of crap that pissed me off. I'm not quite as pissed at him now because I realized he is just Stupid. Inherently stupid and for that I should probably just take out a hit on his parents. Gay Mafia I need you.

Editors Note: The views expressed in this blog are not the views of the blogger. He loves his job and would love to stay late every day worshipping his employer. No other insects were harmed during this post. Dallas Dysfunction does not condone violence of any kind unless Sarcasm is considered a WMD. Moobs are still sagging.

New look needed...

2009-02-25T16:22:00.002-05:00

I need a new look... a new feel ... The BLOG people... not ME personally... SO I am gonna start working on it soon... very soon. The new job affords me lots of time... which is good.... also a new pissy blog posting coming soon.

Hello... Is this thing on?

2009-01-17T23:52:00.002-05:00

Um.... Hi. I know.....Sigh

It's been such a looong long time. I'd like to say this is the start of a whole new era of blogging for me... but honestly I am like an addict. There is a good chance I am going to relapse. So don't get your hopes up, ok? Let's take this one day at time... mmmmm PCP Pork Pops...

SO....where to begin??! I guess I should announce for those of you who don't know...Dallas Dysfunction is once again dysfunctional in Dallas. Yes folks after 1 year 4 months and some change, I packed my shit and headed back to the Big D. I arrived here a few days before Christmas since then I have been a travelling Gypsy, staying with Family and Friends, peforming tarot card readings all while looking for a new place to hunker down and call my own. These last few weeks have been quite an experience.I really miss having my own place. I miss my old routine. You know what I mean? The routine, where you come home from work, head to your room, take all your clothes off, fluff yourself, take a shit, wander into the kitchen, start dinner, then run suddenly back to your bedroom to put clothes back on because a small drop of grease popped out of the frying plan and happened to land on your gee willy williker, then eat dinner, watch CSI, look at internet porn, shower and hit the bed? You know that routine? I miss it.

MMMM LSD Lettuce Wraps.

I guess you could say that Seattle and I just wasn't meant to be. We were like oil and water, lube and spit, round and square, two tops... you get my point. I just couldn't live there anymore. I had had enough. Do two "hads" in a sentence drive you nuts? It does me... Anyhoo, I discovered why everyone is Sleepless in Seattle-- they're all on Meth. Honestly, my time there was like a series of unfortunate events. It was one thing after another, the prostitution charges ( gas was expensive), the explosive diarhea, in church, on the pew; the purple nurple given to me by a 50 year old fat man that I didnt even know. I was traumatized. I had to go into therapy. Hence the reason I stopped blogging. Crack Cookies and Cream...mmmmm

But Dallas...I am back.. and as of yesterday I am living Deep in the heart of you. So look out people who can see into my loft! I plan on being naked and that my friend... is the scariest thing you will ever see.

Valium Vicodin Vodka Vindaloo Anyone?

Does this ever happen to you?

2008-07-30T01:07:00.002-04:00

You're sitting there minding your own business and WHAM. It's like the 1980's Hit you?

Ok..... so it only happens to me... well dammit I took pictures this time....

( this is how I alleviate stress... by amusing myself.....)

A Brief Conversation or IM just sayin...

2008-07-28T23:49:00.002-04:00

A quick IM convo between me and friend..

ME: I am never gonna go to sleep tonight
Friend: haha
ME: I have had a pot of coffee... two cups of green tea
ME: and a shit ton if Ice tea
Friend: why?
ME: can we say hello caffeine
ME: well I forgot lunch and didnt have time to get any
ME: soooo
ME: I just kept my gut full of liquids
Friend: oh
ME: now I got the shakes!
ME: i feel like I need a beer
ME: at 7 am
Friend: take an antihistamine
Friend: like benadryl
Friend: you will get sleepy
ME: well I took for tylenol PMs last night and overslept this morning
ME: soooo
Friend: moderation my dear
ME: I think I am gonna just stay away from that and drink water the rest of the night
ME: moderation.. what the hell is that?

Friend: so u will be pissing all night ?
ME: Depends
ME: no really I can wear Depends...

ME: kidding
Friend: ewwwwwww
ME: have you priced those things?
ME: EXPENSIVE
Friend: nope
Friend: dont need them yet
ME: oh I have...I thought how convenient...
ME: but its just way too expensive
Friend: easier to wash the sheets
Friend: ewwwwww
ME: um no... then you get those yellow stains on your mattress
Friend: jason used to pee in his sleep
ME: and lord knows If I died tomorrow..
Friend: when he was drunk
ME: I dont want people knowing that I pissed my bed
ME: Jason?
Friend: my last boy-friend- the devil
ME: oh honey you go through men like underwear i cant keep up
Friend: not lately- guess im gettin too old-
ME: so are you sayin you dont change your underwear very often?
ME: um eww
Friend: only when they start itching
ME: maybe if you did... you'd attract more men
ME: just a thought
ME: lol
Friend: ick
Friend: blah
ME: my windows are open and its getting dark
Friend: sum 1 might crawl in
ME: I need to close them before people see me without a shirt and mistake me for a girl
ME: in fact...my tits are typing this right now.. they are very talented
Friend: um- nice tits
Friend: training bra?
ME: training... they are too wild for that
ME: I duck tape em
Friend: that must hurt
ME: only when you take it off
ME: slowly
Friend: ouch!

Political comment...

2008-07-23T19:32:00.004-04:00

I don't normally post anything with a religious content but Hallefuckinglujah! Now why can't everyone realize that marriage has two parts? One Legal and one Spiritual?

Guest column: Divorce church from state in same-sex marriage debate
By Charles C. Haynes

Link to article

Suddenly this summer, the reality of same-sex couples lining up to get married in California has led some religious leaders to rethink their government role.
In a letter last month, Bishop Marc Handley Andrus of the Episcopal Diocese of California directed his clergy to "encourage all couples, regardless of orientation, to follow the pattern of first being married in a secular service and then being blessed in The Episcopal Church."
The bishop's missive illustrates what a tangled web we have woven when clergy intone "by the power invested in me by the state."
Because the Episcopal Church doesn't sanction same-sex marriage — but gives the option of blessing the union — the bishop appears to be seeking a way to bless all couples while distancing the church from legal arrangements sanctioned by the state.
"There are a lot of benefits in getting out of the legal marriage business," the Very Rev. Brian Baker told The Sacramento (Calif.) Bee in reaction to the bishop's letter. "This way the clergy and the couple can focus on the spiritual blessings the church has to offer and not the political stuff."
On the theological flip side, many conservative clergy worry that as agents of the state they will be pressured to perform same-sex marriages — or, in some other way, coerced into recognizing same-sex relationships in contradiction of church doctrine.
Maybe the bishop is on the right track: Separate secular from sacred by drawing a bright line between civil arrangements and the sacrament of marriage. Each state would limit itself to defining marriage as civil benefits for committed couples (as mandated by state law) — and each religious group would be free to define marriage according to the tenets of its faith.
The practice of dubbing clergy agents of the state is a vestige of history in Europe and some American Colonies when the established church determined who could be married. Disestablishment in America ended church monopoly over marriage — but left in place the dual role of clergy as religious leaders and state actors in the marriage arena.
Ending this church-state entanglement wouldn't end the gay-marriage debate. But it might serve to reframe the issue by focusing on civic arguments for and against extending government benefits to same-sex couples. In my view, it isn't the business of government to preserve the "sanctity of marriage." Nor is it the business of government to dictate the meaning of marriage to any religious community.
At the same time, no religious group should be allowed to impose a religious definition of marriage on the rest of society. Various faiths in the United States define the sacrament of marriage in various ways. The establishment clause of the First Amendment should bar government officials from making public policy solely on the basis of a theological conviction about what constitutes "marriage."
Of course, even if Americans agreed to separate civil and religious marriage, the patchwork of state solutions to the marriage conundrum would persist for some time.

Google-liscious...

2008-07-15T01:55:00.002-04:00

Well... once again.... I have fallen off the blogging band wagon. My life is so erratic right now that I just can't muster up the interest or the energy to blog on a daily basis. Maybe I should look into this whole Twitter thing... I hear its a new fangled thangy majiggy that lets you send updates. I'm not sure I can handle something so shiny and pretty but we'll see. Of course my work has my Blackberry locked down tighter than my ass...which is really tight... When I fart the pitch is so high dogs howl... Anyhoo I am not sure I will be able to use it.

Google... oh Google... how do I live without you!!

I just googled myself...

here is what I found: ( My sarcastic comments you have come to know and love or despise...whatever... their fucking in Italics Bitch so just read them)

Article 1: Tucson Daily News
Jurors convicted Dustin XXXX of conspiracy to commit malicious assault in secret and accessory after the fact, both felonies. ( Ummm SHIT... Obviously someone can't keep a secret)

Article 2: Dancer's forum Website

my name is dustin XXXX. I am a 22 year old male from norwalk, ohio. music is my passion. i love to sing. I have a very talented voice. I can also dance very well. I'm good with learning new Choreography and i love working with people. I've been on stage doing many different things including plays, musicals, talent shows, singing with different bands, chorus concerts, and dancing events. I am 5'9 with an athletic build. I have sandy brown hair and blue eyes. if you could send me more information regarding this post I would be very thankful. I wasn't born to live in a small town my whole life. thanks for your time. (My Favorite Movie is Showgirls. I also swallow and can take dildos the size of small buicks. )

Article 3: Church Bulletin

Avenue Church of Christ Sunday Morning, Month of FebruaryAnnouncements: Dustin XXXX ( The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.)

Article 4: From a Blog on Blogger

Dustin is my favorite "gay" guy friend ... except he's not gay. If I ever felt like spending an entire afternoon talking shit about every single person I know or having an intense in-depth yet highly reflective convo about the contestants on "So You Think You Can Dance?".... ( In Depth Reflective convo on "So you think you can dance?" Suuuuure he's not gay... he just likes to take up the pooper shooter... that's all... FAG ( I can say FAG... cuz I am gay and politically incorrect... FAG... ))

Article 5: MySpace comment

mmk dustin XXX should never be allowed to do another yeti video because the last one he did was terrible! he is disgracing the yeti name!! ( Believe it or not...I am speechless on this...Yeti... teehee)

Article 6: Some School Dictrict announcement

Dustin XXX & Marissa XXXX scored in the top 25% of U.S. students in U.S. Department of the Treasury's National Financial Literacy Challenge-congratulations! ( DUUUUDE I SCORED... WITH MARISSA... she's so easy... her vagina was so big... I had to strap a 2'x4' across my ass to keep from falling in... oh and I did good on Financial Lit Challenge too)

Article 7: First Baptist Church, Childrens Ministry

Dustin is our Children’s Ministry intern here at First Baptist Church. Dustin spent most of his childhood living in California, until he moved to Tennessee during his sixth grade year. While attending First Baptist Church, he gave his life to Jesus Christ. Dustin committed his life to full-time ministry when he was sixteen years old. His desire is to serve as a Children’s Minister one day. Since he is an only child, he considers the children of First Baptist Church his little brothers and sisters. ( ....which he likes to touch in their naughty spots and then threaten them that if they tell anyone he will kill thier mommy and daddy while they sleep. )

And I leave you with the Pedo joke... thank you good night! I'll be here all week... try the veal

Hot Tranny..... Messes

2008-07-01T18:04:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a TrannyTastic Day!

Everywhere I went I (t)ran into a Tranny! see what I did there? added a "t" to ran to keep up with my Tranny theme... that my friends is blogging gold!

I took my friend Ryan to grab some dinner at Mc'D's and wouldnt you know it... the swing shift manager was a Tranny! ( there is a joke in that somewhere... I just know it) She was definitely a mess.... and Flirty as hell. She made me a chocolate shake...( there's probably a joke somewhere in that too but it scares me to think about it)

We left there and headed to a bar to indulge in a few adult bevarages and I see this kind of cute guy walk by. He was shrt in stature, buzz cut hair and a cute little trimmed beard.... and TITS... and a VAGINA.... HOT TRANNY MESS...

I almost threw up a little. Almost... it was sort of an acid reflux feeling? You know what I'm talking about? A little burn with that sour taste... and a chunk of food or two... mmmm Twice eaten chocolate shake. I think it may be some time before I have one of those again.

ALSO, what the fuck is the deal with Fat Mexicans. I swear to god, I could move to the fucking Moon and if there is a fat Mexican around then they are gonna hit on me. Do I have "Fat Mexicans please apply within" tattooed on the back of my head... and if I do... I am sooo kicking one of you people's asses. The thing is... I love fat mexicans... that cook. Other than that, we all know that my type, is starving third world looking, Sally Struthers loving, guys that obviously have an eating disorder... just thinking of those hip bones makes me horny... wooooo

Fuck... I should get back to work... More to come on THE GREAT DATING SCENE here in Seattle. Wait until I tell you about hitting on the guy with Tourettes who makes animal noises...

More blogging gold...

One year ago today

2008-06-27T02:03:00.002-04:00

One year ago today I blogged this blog entry.... I God I was funny when I lived in Texas.... slowly this fresh air is killing me... I can feel it.

_______________________________________________

Saturday night, I attended the True Colors Concert Tour. It featured Cyndi Lauper, Erasure, Dresden Dolls, Margaret Cho and Rosie O'Donell. There was some other chick there too from Blondie but I didnt really like her so fuck it, I ain't blogging about her.

Anyhoo, this isn't a review of the concert. It was fine. They were funny.

The real meat of this story is how I was surrounded by BIG HUGE HAIRY men who obviously don't understand the meaning of personal hygeine. I almost passed out due to the smell. I sat in the bear section. Fearing for my life, I didnt take any pictures of them but I was able to get a couple of pics of the concert.You can thank my Motorola Razr for the great quality of what you are about to see.

Margaret Cho. Isn't she great. Doesn't she look like a fucking ant?

Rosie O'Donnell. This is even better pic. I just love my Motorola!

Me after the damn concert passed out on my couch due to toxic fumes from fat men. Bonus: black girl on the other couch passed out from general laziness.

Monday Quickie...

2008-06-24T01:39:00.003-04:00

Okay so I went a little long in my last post... what can I say? Old habits die hard.

Like I mentioned in my last post my job is keeping me very busy. Right now I am coming up with a cunning plan on world domination and trying to figure out how to ruin the career of this Project Manager who is complete cunt...or CC for short. Meh...world domination it is...

CC....What a bitch!

Summer is finally here... thank gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd. I never realized how much I would miss Texas summers until I moved to the drizzley nasty rainy mess that is Seattle. I have never been this pale in my life! I could officially be Emo....if I cut myself and wore skinny jeans. I think I'll just be pale. The idea of me even trying to wiggle my fat ass into pair of skinny jeans scares me....

CC...... I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too...

New Format

2008-06-20T13:43:00.003-04:00

Jesus Christ on a Cracker! Obviously my previous attempts to blog daily have failed. You can blame my job and the incredible amount of hours that I have been working and the fact that when I am home I am lazy. SO I have decided to see if I can manage a new format. Normally my blogs are long wonderfully written paragraphs-- so eloquent and thoughtfully constructed that even doves cry at the mere sight of them. Well those days are gone. Apparently when I moved to the Great Pacific Northwest HELL, I signed my life away so now you will have to do with short concise paragraphs or phrases that describe what I am seeing, tasting, feeling, smelling, hearing or sexing at the moment. Yes I know, disappointing, but you aren't fucking me or paying my bills so you don't have a say. Just be glad I am back.... sheesh ungrateful bitches.

In the last year that I have lived, in what I can only describe as the land stuck in the 1990's, I can honestly say I have been truly miserable. I have done my best to find the good in Seattle but Grey's Anatomy it is not. There are no McDreamy's around here. Only McScary Lesbians, McScary Haggard Straight Women, McLoggers, McGrunge Meth Heads, McHomeless, and McAsians... Seriously. The New hotness that was Starbucks is Thai food restaurants. There is a Tasty Thai on every fucking corner around here. I swear to god you walk outside and it smells like someone farted coffee and curry. I even went to a Major League baseball game and they had Thai stands next to the Hotdog stands... WTF? Pad Thai with mustard anyone? I spent the entire game wishing that I had a fortune cookie and eggroll. ( yes I know quintessentially Chinese but whatever... they all blend together after a while)

Now I am not hating on Asians. I do love them. Nothing like playing with their pepper steak while pounding the poopoo platter. MMMM now I am hungry... and horny.

I miss Mexicans. When is the Latin invasion going to happen here? I saw a guy with a a tan the other day and got excited. Then I realized he was a fucking Eskimo....did I mention they scare me? They just hop out of the woods on the side of the road... and stare at you.... I get the shakes and shivers just typing this... of course I think it maybe because I haven't had any alcohol in the last 24 hours but still they are creepy motherfuckers. Don't believe me? Ask the baby seals!

I have to get back to work now... I have avoided it enough. My pimp just slapped me and I cant earn good money with a black eye.

As promised

2008-04-15T01:51:00.006-04:00

Here it is....

What you have been waiting for....

Some scary shit

Me sad that I have to shave off my goatee...

And the 2008 Closet Ball Winner is

Miss Visa Dekline

MY GOD I HAVE TWO CHINS!

For $250 an hour I am all yours... wink wink..cough cough..AHEM

The higher the hair the closer to God!

It was an interesting experience to say the least but not one that I think I will ever repeat. Women are SICK sadistic bitches. Why the hell would you ever wear a corset or high heel shoes. Dear sweet sad little baby jesus! NEVER AGAIN.... Sadly I was pretty good. Good enough that they want me back for monthly performances.... unless I can do it in a MooMoo and House shoes, it'll never happen.

The Dream Ticket

2008-04-10T00:12:00.000-04:00

Heavy Flo Days...

2008-04-08T22:09:00.002-04:00

Time warp.... I am in a time warp...I am a day ahead. For some reason, I have spent the entire day thinking it was Wednesday when in fact it was really Tuesday. I even tried to attend Wednesday's meetings today. Which doesn't work. And makes you look like a fool.

C'est la vie!

Work. more work. It is consuming my life. It's been hard to find a balance lately. I do my best to come home and leave work at the office. I just can't seem to do it. I almost wish I had other things to do. This summer I am really going to look into joining hiking or kyaking clubs. Anything to get me out of the house and the office. If I have to live in this butt nut state, I might as well make the most of it.

I need a panty liner. Not just any panty liner. I need one with wings. A large one. A mouse matress. Do you know how hard it is to find one? None of the girls that I know will even admit to using one. I refuse to go buy a box since I only need one...Although I guess I could use the rest to make slippers for my mother. I know she'd love em. Good ole white trash hussy that she is.

Yes I know I didn't tell you why I needed a panty liner... and I plan to keep it that way. Leaving you not knowing is just like smiling at people.... they don't know if your just friendly or up to something.

Yes....I am smiling.

Oh I also quite possibly need a tampon but I know the girls have one of those. No panty liners, but give them something shove up their cootchie snortchers and BAM... they are a dime a dozen. Speaking of that, have you ever looked at a womans vagina sideways? It looks like grandpa with no teeth. One big ole toothless grin. Which makes me wonder, why would he need to floss?

Puerto Rico... here I cummmmmm

2008-04-08T02:21:00.002-04:00

Figure A

Ok so the new start to my raging blogging comeback has been a bit rocky. Work has kept my balls in a vice grip...which might be erotic if I was into freaky shit like that. Right now I am trying to tie up some loose ends before I leave to go to Puerto Rico ...for a) a vaction b) more work c) running away to a foreign US Territory (because its easier) if you guessed B.... you’d be correct! Wooohoo I get to go to a tropical island to work! Take that you jealous bitches.... I’ll be sipping a Mojito and thinking about you...Actually I have to be honest...I’ll be thinking about me... and what rican hottie I can hook up with...

Did you know that 45% of the population in Puerto Rico is unemployed?? Finally I can have that hot house boy I have always wanted and he could come live with me.... FOR FREE!!
Did you know that my ex boyfriend was Puerto Rican? And I am hoping his asshole grows together and his dick burns when he pisses? Hopefully my trip will redeem all of Puerto Rico in my eyes...

ATTENTION! Get your eye balls ready. In exactly 3 days I will be performing in Drag.... I promise to upload lots of goody goody pictures... It should be HIGH-larious! I am taking part (as favor to friend) in the Closet Ball 2008. For those of you not familar with Closet Balls or Closet Queen type contests, the gist of this is to take someone who has never performed in drag THEN show them to the audience as guy and then in hour make them over into a simply mahhhvelous Drag Queen... then that person has to perform... This should be good times. I wrote THEN a lot in that last sentence... Ahhh my bachelors degree at work...

Figure A is not me in Drag... or is it???

Did I mention the entire Western half of Washington State is fucking crazy.... I never thought that I would wish to be back in a SANE red state... yes I know... I just said I wanted to be in a Red State... please forgive me.

Bed time.... More manana.....

2 pee or not 2 pee

2008-03-26T23:11:00.000-04:00

So I said that I would do this on a regualr basis... and I am apparently off to a rocky start seeing as how I didn’t blog yesterday. BUT I have a great excuse. And No my penis wasn’t accidently in some horrible vaginal accident that caused an aborted preganancy that couldn’t be explained to any of my.... but I digress. No, I was drunk. See I knew you could all relate..... fucking alchies...

Dear Old Queens on Yahoo Personals,

I realize that, besides having powdered cum and balls that sag past your knees, that you eyes may be begining to go as well. It’s completely understandable giving that your almost dead. However it has come to my attention that obviously you can’t see to read that I am looking for someone in my own age range or bordering illegal. Thank you for all your unwanted attention. I really don’t appreciate it. Please know that everytime I recieve a profile view or an email from one of you dear yoda’s, I throw up a little. At least you help keep my weight under control.

Warmest regards and best wishes ..ping dead soon,

Dallas Dysfunction aka pSeattle pSycho

I have to pee so bad but I am challenging myself to finish blogging before I go. Now would be the time to get interested in Water Sports....but alas I will leave that for a rainy day...like today... BLAST this CITY!

Do these Depends make my ass look fat?

I feel like clubbing a baby seal after watching some PSA on Logo for the Wildlife Rescue Fund....you too can support them by doing your part... throw away a six pack plastic can holder without cutting the loops...

I can’t take it anymore...I have to piss....

Why do mexican wrestlers wear cheesey hooded masks? My mind is just a jumble of must answer questions....

PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

testes...testes... is this thing on?

2008-03-25T03:09:00.002-04:00

Editor’s note: Spelling mistakes in this blog are intentional as the author was too fucking lazy to check his work. Just be glad he got off his ass and blogged. I said BE GLAD. You’re not very glad...I can feel it. bastards.

I’m really not sure what is scarier, the fact that I haven’t blogged or the fact that people are still subscribing to this thing. stop stalking me....stooooop

So where should I begin? Where should I start? Fuck you Maria... I’ll start where I want to. Bitch always wants to start at the "very beginning" well I don’t want to so I ain’t gonna.

It all started 31 years ago around 1:49 am when I came flying out of my mother’s big gaping, grand canyon like, black hole mawl of a va-jay-jay. ....wait... fuck. shit. cockadooody

DAMN HER! Maria you will rule the day!!

So, where was I? Oh yes........ and that’s how I am doing.

Glad I got that out of the way.

People I am cursed. No not like Sara Jessica Parker and her horse face.....but cursed in Dating. Yes, DATING, my old arch nemisis. Oh how I despise you and the freaks you deliver to my door.

I’d like to play with a horseshoe crab.

My dating life has been in shambles. Utter shambles I tell you. However, my sex life has never been better! I swear to Eliott Spitzer that when my relationships are bad, my super duper anonymous no strings attached sex life is great. Sadly, I want the strings damnit! Is that too muh to ask? HUH? I want to be attached mumsy! I want to be handcuffed and spanked .... ahem.

No but seriously.

I am blogging again isn’t that great?

Is it wrong that this Easter I went easter egg hunting and found them up my dates ass? He thought they were anal beads. It was kinda hot. His anus is now rainbow colored from the dyes.Now that’s Gay Pride! Lucky for me he was hung..... like Jesus... get it? Easter? Jesus? cue rim shot.

My titties itch. Let’s hope it’s not another 10 months before I blog again.

They are out there... lurking

2008-01-22T22:10:00.000-05:00

Today was a beautiful day here in Seattle. It was ass clenching cold but crystal clear and sunny. Not one cloud in the sky. You could see every mountain range from peak to promontory. During my morning commute, I take a few back roads to get to work and those roads wind me through huge evergreens and dense brush. Everywhere I look it's a brillaint mixture of every shade of green. I really enjoy this part of my drive. It's peaceful, inspiring and reminds me what an artist Mother Nature truly is. I cracked my window. The air was crisp, cold and smelled faintly of wood burning fireplaces. I sneezed. Who knew I was allergic to fresh air. I rolled up my window. It was then the forest seemed to close in all around me. The giant trees stepped closer to the road. The bushes and ferns creeping out from around there trunks. It became eerily dark as the trees stretched out there arms and blocked the light. Something didn't feel right. The hair on the back of my neck stoood up and goosebumps rose on my skin. A shiver crept up my spine as from out of the woods there stepped a lone figure. It was a damn Eskimo. I swear the forest is crawling with them. I swerved and narrowly avoided missing him. I glanced in my rearview mirror and I could see him through the forest mist...standing there... looking at me. I shivered again and realized that my goosebumps were nothing more than a herpes outbreak. Those Eskimos scare me. They're up to no good. Like evil little leprechauns, they lurk in the forest waiting to suprise there next victim and drag them back to their igloo. Maybe it's our fault they club us like baby seals. Afterall we did steal their land and made them move to Canada. I mean Canada of all fucking places. What torture. What cruelty. I almost feel sorry for those figures in the shadows... those gorillas... in the mist....

I love gorillas. They are cute and cuddly and make me want to pick fleas off my friends. I'm good like that.

DYNOOOOMITE

2008-01-16T23:14:00.000-05:00

This past weekend at one of my new favorite adult beverage shops, I was introduced to what appeared to be Napolean Dynamite. This guy had the curly hair, the big glasses and the tall thin geeky look. To make things worse he was with a mexican....midget. I shit you not. My friend and I were just sitting at the bar flirting with the bartender, who kept meowing at me, for no apparent reason.. but thats another story for another time.... where was I... right! Meowing when Dynamite walked in and sat down at the bar... shortly (get it? get it ?? snort) thereafter the Latin Little climbed on a stool next to him. Now I am deathly afraid of midgets, fucking freak ankle biters, so you can imagine my immediate discomfort but being the Southern gentleman that I am; I immediately turned to the one thing that gives me the greatest comfort in my time of need..... ~~the bible~~.... ~~a big cock~~.... ~~my mamma~~.... more booze. With one more, two more, no three more beers, I started chatting with minimexi and Napolean. As it turns out Napolean and Tiny Tamale thought I was very sexy..... because I was CHUBBY.

THAT MOTHERFUCKING NO GOOD CUNT CURLY HEADED FOUR-EYED FREAK called me FAT! Chubby? What the fuck? Chubby???! I can't help it if I have big cheeks. Who is that freak and his Oompa Loompa to talk about me?? Nerdy Nut-knuckles and his side kick Captain Short Shit!!! GRRRRRRRRRRR

I'd like to take a moment and thank Bud Light for saving the lives of those poor misguided people. I'd also like to take moment and comment on how American Idol is trashing Dallas right now. Ryan Seacrest Suck My Dick... no really... suck my dick... that wasn't an insult... seriously... please?.... pretty please?? Fuck.

Has anyone seen that commercial with the big tall guy who has huge thighs ( i mean huuuuuge) walking in some dutch/german sort of town only to end up being the guy who pedals the gyroscope that makes the earth spin? I forget what they are selling.... but He scares me and so does the music... oh and his hat... I scare easily.

ALERT: HOT GUY ON AMERICAN IDOL>>> FARMER BOY DREW... so pwetty... wery pwetty...

Blogging IDOL live... mind you I never ever watch this show but since I'll give anything to be closer to Dallas and they just happening to be showing the auditions from there...then what the hey! OOOO Contestant.... Kyle, aka rocker.... can we say Fake and Bake? The queer is Orange! His teeth are neon white... and no he didn't.... he just pretended to hold up a microphone. Sigh.... I can't take it anymore... Meh..I'd still "do" him.

I probably would have liked this Dynamite better...

***Editor's note: The views represented here are not the views shared by PBS, Barak Obama, Pat Roberston or Dallas Dysfunction. Short people no matter how fucking freakish, should be loved. Napolean Dynamite is still an ass. May cause indegestion and rectal lactating. ***

Bitter Cold... and it aint just the weather

2008-01-15T02:16:00.000-05:00

Because some days I just miss home.....

It was wet today... which is not really that unusual for Seattle.... however what was unsual was that it was snowing and raining...I call it Snain... it's nasty... and slushy... like a 7/11 slurpee starting to melt. I came home... started a fire... and then grew bitter.... well more bitter... i'm already bitter now I am bitter bitter. The only thing I had to cuddle with was my pussy... and she wasn't all that interested. sigh.... men suck

Work has been quite busy... my manager resigned... then renigged.... then resigned again... all within a month. This is the same damn person who recruited me up here to grunge grove. 5 months and the bitch is running back to Texas. Did I mention I was bitter?

Remember the guy I shared my new years kiss with and how I thought it might lead somewhere? Well it did... it lead to a dead end. Once again I was dumped because I wasn't some skinny starving fucking coke whore. I swear to god, fat people should unite and take those skinny motherfuckers out. Thanks to McDonalds, Taco Bell, and cheap chinese food buffets there are more of us fat assess than skinny bitches. Fuck I'm hungry... and bitter... I wanna crotch punch a thin mint bitch. b. i. t.t.e.r.

I'm going to bed...at least my dreams aren't bitter... or are they??

A well read bum

2008-01-11T00:13:00.000-05:00

Celebrity rags aren't just for toilet paper anymore....

Work is kicking my patootie... will sit down this weekend and blog my heart out....

New Year New Thrill

2008-01-08T01:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes words fail me... this is one of those times... well sort of.. I really like the nipple tassles. It's a nice touch.

Random 2008

2008-01-03T22:37:00.000-05:00

Exercise, Diet, Save Money, Be Nicer, Pay Down Debt--------FUCK IT. It's just another year. Who needs resolutions? Why do we even come up with them? What fucking moron came up with the idea of New Year resolutions? Why don't we create resolutions for our real new year, our birthdays?! Why do I have some many fucking questions marks? Why am I using the word fuck so much?

Blogging while watching Project Runway....so difficult to stay focused on what I am writing......kasjdhjfjfkdfhkjJ

I don't want to jinx it but I may have met someone... and he may actually like me.... but even if he doesn't...I still had someone to suck face with on NEW YEARS! Take that you fuckers! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... my tongue was far down his throat I could eat his ass at the same time...

I'm that talented.

Tim just said some skirt looks like a Maxipad... I may have just snorted.... but only my cat knows the truth...

I have 1 month and 8 days until I will be laying on a beach in the south of Mexico, sipping on Margaritas and flirting with Cabanana boys...

2008

2008-01-01T16:16:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY PUSSY POT PIES!

From your Dear Misplaced Texan in the freezing my ass off wet Pacific Northwest...

Dallas Dysfunction

Ho Ho Holiday Employee Party!

2007-12-17T18:11:00.000-05:00

There is nothing like celebrating the holidays while attending someone else’s employee Christmas party. Yes yours truly, was invited to ride the arm of a dear friend to his lovely Employee Holiday Festivus at the local Seattle Sheraton, which might I say would have been completely enjoyable if I wasn’t swarmed in the lobby by those things that frequent day cares, schools and the occasional Chuck E Cheese. Scores of rat-like children were running about and gawking at the heinous displays of gingerbread houses, cities and whatnot. Fortunately, after punting my way through the lobby, the actual party was held on the 35th floor of the Pike Street Tower….right next to the Pool and Gym. There we are wearing our finest, mingling with other employees and the random hotel guest in swim trunks and bikinis. The chlorinated smell delighted our senses as we nibbled on palatable prime rib. Oh fuck it, I just got plastered. Drink tickets abounded and my ass got completely hammered. Fortunately for me, I am a composed and coif drunk unlike the one unfortunate tactless employee who suggested that the Director of Human Resources join him at the leather bar so he could bye her a Ball Gag. I kid you not. I am sitting here quivering with moist anticipation on the news of what action will be taken against him. Will it be a right up? A pink slip? Or a color choice of the ball and leather?

I woke up the next day after a complete night of drunken snoring, drooling and I am sure the occasional gas expulsion from my nether region with a mouth that felt as dry as the Sahara Desert and teeth wearing woolen sweaters. I was hot mess. But a couple of coffees laced with four lumps of Tylenol, 3 packages of Splenda and an espresso shot of coconut rum and my world completely turned around. My friend and I hailed a cab and dashed off to have brunch at a local bistro and then headed down to the famous Pike’s Place Market for some tourist gouging shopping. It was the first time that I have actually done something touristy! It was awful. Fucking people everywhere. After walking around for three hours, we paid homage and visited the first Starbucks Coffee Location…. Which, might I delicately add, is just like any other fucking Starbuck’s except it’s busier, less accessible and takes triple the time to get your over-priced-bitter-ass cup of coffee.

Afterwards we headed out with the coffee to enjoy entertainment by the locals.. ( see picture below)

Warning: Graphic Pics Below...

2007-12-14T01:20:00.000-05:00

I feel like a bloated freaking fat ass. The last two days I have had lunch at two very fattening restaurants. Normally I would have declined but it was a work function and when someone else is paying this queerio is eatin'! You know what I am sayin'?

I have a couple of quick comments about my new job.

1. The corporate culture makes me want to puke.

2. I work with a woman who looks like Mr. Furley and is just as annoying.

3. For all my bitching, the holiday party rocked. It was held during work hours 10am to 3pm. Then we were given a $100 Gift Certficate to a Mall and told to go shopping for the remaining two hours.

4. They actually like me. I have no idea why, but they do? You'd think I was blowing the Senior Manager the way he chatted me up today.

5. They fed me lunch today and bought me BEER.

I love my JOB. sigh. What a great company. Thank god we "Stick Together".

Now back to my fat ass. I have gained some weight. About 25 to 30 pounds. Of course, I don't look as heavy as I am. Somehow I wear Lard on my frame very well. It's a curse. No one takes me serious when I say I am FAT...not PHAT but FATTTT. And Maybe it's because they never see me naked. So let this be a warning to you.... don't make show you this:

****** THIS IS NOT ME*** I REPEAT THIS IS NOT ME******

I would never wear that tacky ass watch!

No this is my my own distorted self image. This what I feel I look like.

Well I feel like I look like this too:

Yes that is a beached Whale.

However, if being here up here in Seattle has taught me anything it's that if I want to loose weight then all I have to do is become a Meth addict. You should see all these skinny meth heads running around! they are Kate Moss HAWT!

It's with this realization that I would like to offer you the new:

Dallas Dysfunction Super Fad Meth Diet

coming to a Mayo Clinic near you.

that's a light mayo.. we won't be having regular mayo ( counting calories don't ya know)

I figure within a few months I look like this:

Of course, by then my Diet will be so famous, you'll see me hanging out with all kinds of celebs!

Until then my little Pussy Pot Pies! I hope to return to you a slimmer and trimmer and sexier....

DALLAS DYSFUNCTION.

It's that time of year....

2007-12-12T20:17:00.000-05:00

SNAKES on a PLANE... there are FUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHER FUCKING PLANE.

I am that bored. I am watching that movie. Fucking writers strike. However, I have been semi-productive this evening. I got my hairs cut- head and back and ass. I washed my car. I bought toilet paper. I took a dump. I washed a few loads of laundry and then ended the evening by chatting up with a two bit know nothing Drag Queen who had the balls to invite me to see her show at a bar that just lost it's liquor license. Really? Drag without liquor? Isn't that Mrs. Doubtfire? No I am pretty sure he was drinking then too.

I'd like to thank everyone who just skimmed my blog title and then asked me if my hemorrhoids were okay. Mine are just fine. I think. I wouldn't know! The only Preparation H I have is for the bags under my eyes, not the bags that are falling out of my asshole. So thank you for being so concerned but if you will go back and read my gosh darned blog, you would know that it isn't an issue for me.

Anyhoo... ass hats.

Well folks it's that time of year... when everybody gets together, buys gifts, sings carols, sips hot chocolates and realizes that they are all alone... wait..what? Yep this is the time of year that resembles 2 am in a bar. You realize the lights are about to come on, you're drunk, horny, and about to go home alone. WHAT DO YOU DO? You find the nearest person that will have you and you go home with them. That's what the Holiday season is like for Single people. No one wants to be alone for the holidays. That's why all my personal ads are blowing up. The last week I have had to fend off more lonely desperate people than I know what to do with! It's unreal.

once again... here are my ground rules.

If you are fat- I have my own weight problem I don't need yours.

If you are old: I'm sure cum is just like milk. It spoils with old age. Chunky cum does not appeal to me.

If you are ugly: I don't have a stick big enough to beat you off.

If you are chick: I like DICKS. Gay does not imply that I am happy.

If you are Filipino, Thai, or some other third world country: I cannot help you and no I won't help you cash your lotto check.

Damn... gotta shit again. I'm regular don'tcha know.

easin' back in...to blogging

2007-12-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

Hemorrhoids: The health problem men don't want to sit on

You said it United Healthcare... and thank you so very much for that interesting email you delivered to my inbox and reminding me that my own hemorrhoids are scortching.

Hot hemorrhoids aside, I had a semi-homo-faboo day. Yes, my poppets, I dusted of the ole gay card and this 'mo went shopping! Honey Children Childs! I went out and bought this bitch a new pair of italian leather shoes. I felt like a real homo-sexxxxual! I have fabulous new shoes! Dorothy would be proud, Toto would be jealous and I'd get some midget munchkin loving. They're just the right height.

Where's my butt donut?

I've made it a gay holiday... yes I am watching a musical. Dear Lord and Taylor, I feel gayer than the Queen today. I may even give myself a manicure and dance around to ABBA while dressed as pre-drunk-gut-childless Britney. I look great in Catholic school girl skirts. At least my priest thinks so. and my new shoes look better than the Pope's. and they match my knee pads.

And...

Did you know that Charles Darwin married his cousin? How's that for evolution. Hot damn. I'm sure I got a hot male cousin somewhere that could use some loving.

It's been way too long

2007-12-10T20:36:00.001-05:00

It's been way too long my darlings since I have last graced you with my blog-aliscious self! Alas I have not disappeared into the great unknown of some hot guys cavernous ass nor have I married a rich Arab and been whisked away to live as the head ho in his harem. No, I am just here, rain soaked and freezing my nipples off in the great Pacific Northwest. Yes, I am sad to report I am here... still... in Seattle. The land of salmon smelling skanks and caffeinated liberal loonies has welcomed me with semi-opened arms. Before you ask, because I know you will, I am fine. I have not been tempted to hug a tree nor have I become a lesbian ( as they out number the queers here 10 to 1). I have been quite the busy bitch working and traveling! Yes I am now a world class Idaho traveler! I have ventured both North and South , to the very far reaches of the famous spud-tacular Idaho and I am here to tell you the only thing of interest to ever come out of it is Senator Larry Craig. I am quite sure if it ever fell off the map no one would notice, well except the few of you who have intimate relations with potatoes.
In the last few months there has been nothing remarkable that has happened to me and I propose that we just pick up where we left off. How does that sound? Fantastic! I'm cold. It's cold here. It's 32 degrees outside and my balls have officially surrendered. They have retreated. I look in to the mirror and I am all dick. Normally this wouldn't be a bad thing but I am tired of my balls hiding out in my throat. I have still yet to loose the weight I want and we're so close to New Years that I'll just make it my new resolution, again.... for the umpteenth time. Yes my tits still drag the floor. Please don’t trip on them when I come to visit. Speaking of which..... I'd like to announce....

Are you ready??

to announce... that I am coming home for the Holidays.
Yes folks, Dallas Dys will once again be dysfunctional in Dallas....or at least drunk...I mean I do have to deal with the entire family. Fortunately, I'll be staying at my winter villa and won't have to sleep in the same bed as my Mother and her jacked up sorry ass piece of shit thing she calls a husband... yet again.

I hope that during my brief twirl around the city that I see you all... while I am plastered....and vomiting.

My fireplace is roaring and I am thawing... until next time my pussy pot pies!

Yours

an ever gayer and missing the south Dallas Dysfunction

Sideshow DD

2007-10-26T02:04:00.000-04:00

There is something very satisfying about blogging.....in my underwear.....in bed. I just can't quite explain it but its very therapeutic. So it's just me, my laptop, my 400 thread count sheets, and my duvet cover. and my pussy. cat that is.

Let's get physical, physical.

I am getting a physical tomorrow. I have no idea why except my new doctor said I should. I get to turn my head and cough! Sadly that will be the most action I have had in a few months. Hopefully I am old enough for a prostate exam. I mean my doctors not hot, in fact he's not even cute but hey at this point anything would feel good.

GAWD, I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TOUCH MY NAUGHTY BITS.

Dating sites are seriously not for me.

I joined yet another dating site in hopes that I could meet someone. It's been up for a week now and the only person that emailed me is a mortician. Honestly, I realize that someone has to do that job. I also except the fact that morticians need too but have you ever seen a hot mortician? Right. Now you see where I am coming from. They are creepy. They talk to you like someone just died and no matter what, I don't have the need for a burial plot. My love life may be dead but I am not. Sweet Jesus on a swing. I just attract freeks of nature. I seriously should start my own side show. In fact, I'll just go in drag and pretend to be the bearded lady.

I guess I should look on the bright side. At least Morticia has a job. A job that doesn't have any down time. One that pays well. Hmmm... Nope. He's still ugly. Never mind. I have to think of what our children would look like. I can't be getting knocked up by some ugly boy.... all of our children would turn out to be little shits. Well actually since I am a dude I guess all my children will be little poos. I'll just love my kids...little Colonica and LaConstipatia...

I'm watching Highlander the movie from the 80's. Can some one please explain why the Scottish guy has a French sounding accent and the Spanish guy has an English one? I love the 80's. You could just break all the rules. I miss my stonewashed jeans and my color changing lime green shirt. Why am I watching Highlander? Can someone tell me that? I need sleep.

Update: I would have added a pic to this blog but it's all jacked up and I am impatient. so picture a small black transsexual midget with one leg in a circus sideshow and then after that know that I was just going to post a picture of a unicorn. unicorns make me happy. and gay.

Bleh

2007-10-25T01:02:00.000-04:00

I have no life. none. here in seattle. I need some friends. I am a social being. I'm used to having someone, anyone around me.

Now don't get me wrong. I have some friends here. The thing is that they are weekend gay bar people. That's the only thing they want to do. Me I just want to ...LIVE..... outside of my house...outside of a gay bar.... I want to experience Seattle. It's tough to do that by myself. Well not tough exactly... just boring. That's it! I'm bored. So boooooooooooooooooooooooooored.

My ass itches. I scratched it. All is good .. ish... goodish... is that a word?

ok...bed time. I said I'd start blogging again. I didn't say it would be worth anything.

I need to follow this advice...

2007-10-23T23:34:00.000-04:00

BOYS BEWARE

Hot damn! I still got it!

2007-10-23T01:13:00.000-04:00

Picture it. A cold blistery night. It's raining and I feel like a drink. I jump in the car with a bunch of buds and we head down to the enchanted city looking for some good times and a couple of cold brews. We park the coach and hop out, strutting our stuff into the club. A quick couple of sawbucks and we're through the door and into the dark. The music is wailing; the air is thick with fog. It's drifting up from the dance floor, curling around the corners of the ceiling, snaking it's way through the crowd. The disco ball is spinning creating shafts of light that illuminates people's faces randomly. The crowd is smoking. It's balls to the wall. We're hot as we stroll through the bar, our heads held high. I can feel their eyes, undressing me, wishing they could reach out and touch me. I lick my lips and glance in their direction. Smirking as I make my way down the steps into the rhythmic pumping and grinding of the dance floor. We make a pit stop. A couple of dry martinis and then off to our table. I sit down and immediately start scanning the crowd. That's when I saw him. Dimples. Every time he smiled. It's all I could see. My heart fluttered as I watched him from underneath his brown hat, smiling and laughing with his friends. He looked over at me and I smiled. He glances away and I know I hooked him. I grin to myself and begin enjoying the night with my cohorts in crime. We shake and shimmy to the beat and then they move away to smoke a fag . I'm left to babysit the table but I'm still making goo goo eyes at my boy in the brown.

Afew hours pass and I'm on my fourth, no, fifth drink. I'm feeling good and I realize that I hadn't checked in with my future ex-husband. I glanced over to the wall he was holding up with his friends and he was gone. I search the crowd refusing to believe he had just left and that's when I saw him. Standing right in front of me. He smiled at me and I melted. His name was Ross and he wanted to dance. I said yes and we took to the floor hand in hand. I felt the crowd move back just a little as we hit the parquet. The air was hot and thick. I could see the sweat running down his brow. His hips gyrated and I wanted him even more. I wanted to take him in my arms, run my hands over his body, gently kissing his lips. We danced for what seemed like a blissful eternity and that's when his wall flowers joined us on the dance floor. His two friends whispered in his ears as they glanced at me, giggling like giddy school girls. I knew I had won. Feeling parched, I decided to wet my lips with another refreshing adult beverage. I asked him if he wanted one. He politely replied" No thanks" but then smiled, his dimples looking cuter than ever, "but you're sweet". Gleaming inside, I strutted up to the bar. The music beat on. The bass swelled. I was gonna get fucked up, get fucked down, and get fucked sideways. I was gonna suck him off like a hoover. I had hungry eyes and he was my Baby. I walked drink in hand back to the dance floor thinking about what I could cook him for breakfast . I stopped cold. My Baby was in a corner. No-one puts baby in the corner. That's when I realized, Baby was making out with the guy who had been dancing next to us. They were all over each other. Hands all over the place, groping, feeling, kissing, tonguing.

Good thing, I was drunk. I just sat down and joined my friends for a few more rounds.

But baby, you know what? I still got it... and then had it.... and then lost it..

I need another drink.

WDOT

2007-10-19T02:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Washington Department of Transportation,

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

Warmest regards,

Dallas Dysfunction

I spent TWO. yes...2.... fucking hours trying to get home this evening. The entire time I was staring at brake lights and bumpers all I could think was...please don't.

Don't shit your pants....

WHAT? I have an aversion to shitting in public bathrooms. I'm pee and poo shy. I can't help it. It's just that I can't sit there and join the butt trumpet band. All that farting, fizzling and flopping noises kill me. Not to mention my obvious wide stance... you know every now and then I can use a little toe tap tap action but I digress...or regress...

So there I was....

....stuck in traffic about to give birth to 10 pound baby and I wasn't ready to be a daddy. You know I hate those little shits.

I guess I am just lucky. Lucky that I have an asshole of steel! ..... two fucking hours later I finally get home... and relief. I feel much better. Thanks.

On this day in history....

2007-10-17T22:00:00.000-04:00

A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses

I am still alive... Working my ass off. Gonna try and get back to blogging on a daily basis here real soon. Just stay tuned!

It's cloudy... in Seattle and in my head

2007-10-02T14:44:00.000-04:00

Seattle rain is like winter in Texas. I am not sure why everyone hates it so much. Maybe it’s the fact that for the next 6 months, I will barely see the sun. It reminds me of my ass. It hasn’t seen the sun in years. It’s so white; I have to wear sunglasses while changing my underwear.

My blogging has become very infrequent since I moved up here. There are many reasons why I haven’t kept a regular schedule. I am lazy. My mouse on my home computer died and trying to navigate Windows with out one is a big pain in the ass. I have been busy at work and I am a Gemini. Being a Gemini gives me leeway in taking on many hobbies and not following through on any of them. So there you are. I will blog when I feel like it dammit! Because I am a crazy mother fucking psycho yet loving Gemini.

I went to the doctor recently to switch my anti-anxiety pills. I started taking them about a week ago. It’s like snorting coke. The good news is that I no longer have time to be anxious. I am way too busy chewing my lip and bouncing off the walls.

Well Miss White Trash USA lost her brats. A judge ordered Britney “fat skanky ass “ Spears to give up her children to her ex KFED. What I love about here is the fact that she didn’t even skip a beat. She handed them over two days early and went partying. I guess you win some and lose some. I don’t know why she didn’t fight for them..yes I know she needed to party and she was staying out late and she was using her children as airbags while driving but seriously… with her vagina being that big she could have just shoved here kids up there for safe keeping. Kanga ain’t got nothing on that bitch…

So for those of you who haven’t heard… which I assume your deaf if you haven’t; Mr. Chris Crocker “the leave Britney alone guy” has quickly turned into a star… so fast in fact that he went from the internet, to getting his own tv show to having nude photos released of himself. Shit it took Vanessa Hudgeons two movies to reap all that fame. Leave it to a fucking gay man to rush into things. Still, I’d hit it. He’s got a pretty baseball bat and balls… if you get my drift… do ya? Get it? Huh? Huh? Do ya? Baseball bat? Balls? Oh for fuck’s sake… He’s got a great COCK, Grandma! I seriously wish she wouldn’t stand over my shoulder and read my blogs. Old bitch…

Hmmm… now I know who I get my saggy man tittys from.

More poo just for you

2007-09-24T18:13:00.000-04:00

Attention. This is a work avoidance alert. Had I actually been working there would be no blog today. Dallas Dysfunction is currently avoiding all aspects of work. This is a work avoidance alert. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

I feel like ass today. I seriously hate getting older. I have heart burn. HEART BURN!!?? Fuck it sucks… and hurts. And I have nothing for it because I am too young to get heart burn… or so I thought. What’s next? Incontinence? Maybe I should just start shitting my pants and jump the gun on old age.

In the NEWS… ( I haven’t done this in a while)

I love the news. All of it. For me, it is an abundant source of never ending entertainment. People tend to avoid the news stating that it’s just too depressing and that’s when my Dysfunctional mind kicks in. Here’s my take on a few articles:

Mime legend Marcel Marceau dies. : A Mime is a terrible thing to waste. So much for that damned invisible box. He’s in a permanent one now.

Gay characters decline on network TV: They didn’t decline; they’re just in the closet.

Claire Danes remakes herself: She’s now a man.

Iran's president on Israel, nukes and gays: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like you do in your country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who told you that we have this." --- I got nothing. This guy cracks me up.

Kirby: Old age does not make one exempt from the law: “When I asked Bill for his driver license, he picked blearily through his wallet, then handed me a Polaroid of his genitals” --once again.. speechless.

Britney Spears Bodyguard: Britney Scares Kids By Crying & Farting: Um. Ok. Gross.

Hmmmm…. Scaring children by farting. (it will go with my incontinence) Mental note…. Eat more beans.

I got the gas baby!

2007-09-19T16:53:00.000-04:00

I’m in between meetings right now so I don’t have much time to blog. However, here I sit; avoiding work, typing away….I went to the Dentist this morning. I hate dentists. Something about them scratching and hacking away at my teeth just unnerves me and the hygienists are just way to bubbly. It must be a requirement if you are a Dental Hygienist to act like a yuppie bubbly valley girl. I almost wanted to slap the bitch doing my x-rays this morning … she was all happy and giddy and I hadn’t had my coffee or breakfast and for the last hour another chick had her hands in my mouth fucking around with my teeth… I was already cranky… and Miss Perfect Patty bounces in like a damn Teletubby and starts shoving shit in my mouth. Anyhoo, I am glad to report that I have never had a cavity and still don’t. I need no major dental work or surgery… so now I won’t have to see Miss Bouncy Betty for another 6 months…. Fucking Kookie cunt…

I seriously have to pee… and it’s either get up and go pee and not finish this blog or hold it and have to wait until my next meeting. I am now beginning to think that diaper wearing astronaut wasn’t all that crazy. I’d be all set if I had some depends…

I’d like to apologize to everyone I disturbed for saying the guy wading around in pigeon shit and dead animal skins was hot…Actually… fuck you… you all know me better than that. If I am not disturbing in some way then I must be dead.

I went to the pharmacy today to get my prescription refilled. I take anti-anxiety meds on a regular basis. It’s the only way UI can face real people and ignore the voices in my head. I am supposed to take one pill daily… when I miss one I get all dizzy, hormonal and emotional… all I am missing is a couple of panty liners and a tampon or three. Lately I have had to extend my thirty day supply our to sixty days since I had to wait on my new insurance to kick in… I am pretty sure my coworkers think that I have constant PMS…which is confusing since I am a guy…When I walk down the halls, they avoid eye contact or run…I don’t know what the deal is really…. So I am bitchy and foam at the mouth? What’s so wrong with that?

My blue eyes are about to turn green from holding my pee….Shit… meeting in 15….

Actually I just need to pee. I don’t need to shit… that was just merely meant as an expression. However, if I need to shit I doubt I would be bale to get a stall… I think this is the only bathroom in the building where you need to take a number and wait to shit…

Yes I have serious bathroom issues. I’m sorry…I’ll move on.

My dick has not been sucked in a while… and it’s sad. I was trying to console it last night. I guess I could whore around on the internet but you know me and my luck… I’m sure the next person I meet will be totally deformed in some way…. I might as well just go out and fuck Flipper….

Okay seriously I giggled at that last sentence and I think a bit of pee came out…which means I just peed on myself. Gross. I am soooo not into water sports.

WWJDT...

2007-09-17T20:06:00.000-04:00

What Would Jesus Dance To?

Have you found Jesus??

I have.

He was at a club this weekend. Dancing. All by himself. On an empty dance floor. This guy is probably 6'2" tall, with long brownish hair and beard. He would have been the spitting image of any Easter Pageant Jesus had his nipples not been pierced. If you would have tied feather duster's to his feet, the entire floor would have been clean. He fluttered and twirled around the dance floor while everyone stood looking... in horror. You could have cut out the entire audience and placed them at the scene of a grisly school bus accident with mangled children and they would have looked the same. I often wonder where people get the balls to go out on the dance floor and jerk around like a dead chicken. Meth must be a wonder drug.

Katherine Hiegl's Mother told me I needed to blog today. So here I am...blogging. While we are talking about Jesus, I have a confession. I was watching the National Geographic Channel yesterday and I came across this show that was featuring some Moroccan teen wading around in this pit that contained water, pigeon shit and animal skins. This boy was probably around 17 to 18 years old and his sole job is to collect bird shit and then mix it with water. He would dump the mixture in this pit in which animal skins were soaking and then jump in and wade in it for at least three hours. Apparently the shit helped soften the skins. Why am I telling you this? Besides being totally disgusting...I have to tell you, this boy was HOT. Thank Dancing Jesus for camera angles. They spent a good 5 minutes filming the boy wading around in shit water... wearing nothing but these daisy duke looking shorts. Then they would do close ups presumably of the water but all you could see was his huge bulge... it brought back memories from my childhood of when I used to jack off to the naked jungle people. Man those were good times. I have such fond memories from my childhood. Sigh....Sometimes ya just wanna go native...

I can't take this shit...

2007-09-14T18:32:00.000-04:00

Sigh.

Siiiiiiiigh.

Why must I be the one?

WHY ME?

Seriously!

Why is that anytime I work for a major corporation that has multiple floors I run into the same issue? Why does my floor’s restroom have to be the “dumping grounds”? I realize that when you need to go you need to go but c’mon! Every freaking time I walk in there the stalls are full. It’s like a cruising restroom. I am just waiting for the feet tapping and the hands to start waiving around under the stall doors. It’s never that way on any other floor. Only mine and I am sooo not into scatting (blues or shit). Sigh. Oh well.

It’s 2:45pm. Friday’s here are such a ghost town. Either all my co-workers are gone for the day or they are in the bathroom shitting. I guess I could sneak out. Maybe I will in a few minutes. Hell, maybe I’ll just go take a giant crap for the rest of the day. BTW Charles, if you are gonna sit there and shit all day there are two things you should do: 1. make sure your badge isn’t visible on the pants around your ankles and 2. turn the sound off on the game you are playing on your phone. (3. only touch my foot with your foot if you are cute)

So I got a comment on one of my blogs that said: “really gay. really f'ing gay. gotta steer slear of this site”. It cracks me up. What I really love is the fact that he took time to tell me that my site was gay, like I don’t know that, and that he is gonna steer clear of it. Such friendly homophobes we have these days. Maybe next time instead of gay bashing me up they will just steer clear.

Ok… it’s official…boss is gone so I am out. Ciao!

Oops she did it again

2007-09-10T17:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Britney,

This letter is in regards to your recent performance of your new single on the MTV Video Music Awards. Please stop performing. My eyes/ears cannot take it anymore. Please fire immediately all your Gays for letting you out in public in that bikini. What the hell were you thinking? You jiggled more than a car dash hula girl on a bed of jello in an earthquake. And let’s discuss your shoe option. Were you drunk? On drugs? Get hit in the head and became Dizzy? Again, what the hell? My fat ass could have done back flips in those boots and you could barely walk much less dance! So what was your problem? After breeding and coughing out two babies, I realize you have been away from performing and that probably has given you some stage fright. Clearly if you had spent just as much time in rehearsal as you do belching, partying and showing your giant beaver, it might have been a little better. So I ask you, not as a fan- I never really liked you—but as a concerned citizen for what is pure and decent (and indecent), please retire. Effective immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Louisiana will accept you back with open swamps.

Your’s truly,

Dallas Dysfunction

Ps: Do you have a nude pic of Justin? Thanks.

Ppss: You could always have a lucrative career in porn. I mean your gaping maw of a hole would rival even the world’s loosest women. I write this will all the love and care I can muster. Bless your Heart.

It’s raining, it’s pouring….. in Dallas. However here in Seattle it’s clear skies and in the eighties. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think? A little too ironic. It’s like rain on your wedding day in Texas when you should have gotten married here in Seattle because it’s absolutely beautiful and sunny and clear, which is ironic for Seattle, do you get it? Huh? Huh?? No rain here in the rainy capital, get it now huh? Huh? I just assume everyone is an idiot. It makes blogging much more fun.

My hand Chlamydia is gone. It cleared up. Not sure what the deal was but I just woke up and it was gone. Thank god! I am however still checking my penis for signs of a rash. I check it very thoroughly, up to twice a day… and if I am lucky three times!

I spent most the weekend wallowing on my couch. I literally woke yup Saturday morning, crawled to the couch and stayed there. I only got up for emergencies like peeing and eating. In truth… it felt sooo good and yet I knew it was bad. There is something delightfully sinful about lying on your couch until an ass groove appears…

Thank you come again...

My turtle in a helmet is fine! so far...

2007-09-05T17:21:00.000-04:00

Well my rash has improved…slightly. It still itches but it really isn’t noticeable. I just assume it’s herpes. Or Vaginal Chlamydia. Or palm measles. I dunno. It didn’t spread to my dicky-doo so I could care less. Trust me I have been checking my jolly-wee-wanger every chance I get. I even shaved my balls! There is nothing quite as pleasant as a freshly shorn scrotum. It’s all soft and smooth like a babies butt.

Now on to more serious matters. Since I have been here in Washington, I have been nothing but a whore. I feel like I am reliving my early twenties with people that are in there twenties (yes, I rob the cradle). It’s been Amazing… those young un’s can shoot and reload like you wouldn’t believe! It’s like sucking on an automatic shotgun. MMMM…Lately though, it always feels like there is something missing… a void you could say. I tried filling the void with whatever I could.... butt plugs, Brad Pitt, my cat, until I realized that the void wasn’t up my ass it was in my heart. *awwwwww* AND Not too mention that I don’t really like anything up my ass and I had a hell of time getting Brad Pit out of there. I guess it had finally set in. I am old. I have moved beyond the one night stands…um. I have moved beyond the nightly one night stands… well I moved beyond the having to cruise just to get laid part. That takes so much work! Plus you have to pay for memberships to different websites and blah blah blah. So I am just done with… ah who am I kidding, I can still get my dick sucked anytime and enjoy it. The point is that I would rather give up hot steamy sex with someone I just met for plain average boring sex with a partner. I think I want to be married. I want to buy a house with a white picket fence and have 1.5 children… (I am assuming that when they say .5 then that kid is a midget… I don’t discriminate). I just want change! It’s the thin air up here. The lack of oxygen getting to my brain and let’s face it! I ain’t getting any younger and my tits are just gonna sag till they hit the floor. Then who would want me? All old with saggy callused tittys.

I think I saw Bill Gates in Applebees. He was in the booth next to me. I was gonna ask him if he used the word Fuck but chickened out. You know he lives up here…. in a super geek compound buried in a hillside on the Sound. He scares me.

Man all that talk about sex made me horny. Too bad I have this rash. Oooo I wonder if there is a fetish for men with rashes. Maybe I could have my own website: XXX GAY MEN with RASHES XXX. You could log on to rashbash.com and if you partnered with me, you could get cash for your rash! And the we could sell some hash

… browns.

Yes . I . Am. Bored.

I apologize to all the 5’3” Swahili men out there who might be reading this blog.

Bill Gates must use the word Fuck...IJS

2007-09-04T18:37:00.000-04:00

Please repeat with me…. CRIKEY….. and now a moment of silence in honor of Steve Irwin. …. ….. …..

It’s been a year since a rogue stingray barbed him. A year? Wow. It seems like just yesterday that I was watching him feed his baby to an alligator…and watching Michael Jackson hanging his kid off a hotel balcony. Fuck. I could sure use both of them in my neighborhood. There are so many freaking kids that every time I drive I feel like I am in a driver’s education training simulation. First there’s the ball that rolls out from behind the car and you know that some brat will be following it. My gut reaction is to hit as many as I can and tally the points but somehow I don’t think that would sit well with their breeders.

Did you know that “fuck” is in my MS Word dictionary? It almost makes me want to type a list of obscenities to see what else is included. Almost… ok so I did and you know what? Cunt is not in the dictionary! Can you believe that? Will wonders never cease? Good thing you can add words to the dictionary…

The new job is going quite well if you consider that in an eight hour day I spend about six of them in meetings. That leaves two hours left over. One of which I use for lunch and the other is taken up with me coming in late due to fucking idiots who don’t know how to drive. Oooo fucking is also in my dictionary. How cool. Anyway--I just wonder how I am actually going to get work done when the meetings stop. I fly to Spokane this Thursday for , you guessed it, more meetings! Woohoo! Seriously, I am sick of meetings.

It’s sad that Cunt isn’t in the dictionary. What a great word Cunt. I know many people who fit it….

I have a rash on the palm of my hand. I think its allergy related or herpes. I’m not sure which one. Lucky for me, it’s on the hand that I masturbate with! At least this way when I am getting off, I can use the friction to satisfy the itchiness and it has bumps for my pleasure.

I just threw up a little in my mouth. I swallowed it. Mmm lunch.

I hope I don’t get the rash on my dick.

Haiku for you on a Monday

2007-08-27T17:25:00.000-04:00

There are so many things I want to blog about and yet I have so little time. So far my time here in Seattle has been an interesting one. I have been a complete manwhore. I have supported my Country in pride! Who knew Navy's boys were such sluts. God Bless America. Hence the reason why i haven't been blogging. I have prorities don't you know. I am reliving my youth. My Sexual revloution is now! Vive la Penis!

I find many things ironic. For instance I live in one of the blue-est state that exists... and I woke up this morning to find out that during my evening commute home from work, the highway could possibly be shut down due to the President attending a fundraiser right by my office. I am like seriously? Mother fucker has already screwed up America... which is bigger than one person right? But now he has gotta screw up my evening commute home, which already takes an hour. Ugh... Couldn't he just sneak in? Instead of causing a bigger traffic jam? do you know what that will do to the ozone? Holy Shit...ozone... I may be turning into a tree hugger! Wait nope. I just shaved my armpits. Still quasi-normal.

Haiku for you...

my commute is screwed

President Bush is in town

long hail the traffic stopper

2007-08-14T13:41:00.000-04:00

Sorry for not blogging but this across the country move is killing me. Last weekend I was in Dallas to pack my shit ( i love packing shit... god i love being gay) and met up with some friends that night for some goodbye fun!

Editor's note: This entire pic blog was stolen from my friend Tisha... I am a lazy bastard...

Jason...

Mike

Zak, Tawana, Sally

Dustin sends his love!

Now we all send our love!

That guy was 7 feet tall!!! (not Mike)

Here are the boys pondering the meaning of life...(scary after a few drinks)

CRAZY

Me & Zak

You can't hide!

No idea what to say to this...

I heart beer!

Zak & Jason

*smile*

Me & Zak again

Meagan, Brandon, Eric

Me & Brandon...

Me & my Eric...I heart him!

Me, Brandon, Eric!

Awwwww

Eric & Meagan dancing

And becuase there is alwasy a cleavage shot...

I had a blast!

I'll miss you guys!

TGIF MothaFuckas

2007-08-03T14:17:00.000-04:00

I'm a ho. At least I want to be one. Really Really Really bad. Thank you sir may I have another.

It's been a really long time since I have tricked online. The last time I had a random hookup... he came over in a wheelchair. That ended that. I was in my twenties then. Now I am 31 and I am nervous as hell. I took a picture of my geewillywoo with my camera phone and sent it to my email. Word of advice... never compare your nude pics to original ones of when you were 19 or 20. After I called a depression hotline, I decided the best course of action was to send it out...I immediately txt'd a few friends of mine for their honest opinion. Another word of advice....Don't send your dick to your friends....all they do is snicker. So after a a quick call to the Suicide Prevention hotline...I decided what the hell... someone must love small dicks.

My profile has been up all of 24 hours. I checked this morning and I got 4 emails! Yipppppeeee! Horny as fuck I opened them up. I was drooling I couldn't wait to see what hot young supple studs there were waiting for me...

A bottle of vodka and a handful of vicodins later, I woke up from my coma.. The emails were still in my inbox! 3 emails from the Ho site welcoming me and 1 email from an 80 yr old who saw my pic and wanted to know if he could suck me off.....without his teeth.

WHY ME?

Oh well.... at least his gums felt good.

More of me...cuz I know you missed me...

2007-08-02T16:36:00.000-04:00

I'd like to take this moment and just say a few words about Minnesota's tragedy that happened yesterday. For those of you who are from another country, socially retarded or an Appalachian inbreeding recluse in the South like Mist1, then you may not have herd that a major bridge crossing over the Mississippi collapsed yesterday during the height of rush hour traffic. So far many people have been upgraded to the "Alive" Status while only 7 at last count has been downgraded officially to the "Not so much alive" Status. It's awful. It must be horrifying to think that something you take for granted everyday like a bridge would do that. It also got me to thinking.... WHY THE FUCK DID I MOVE TO CITY THAT HAS NOTHING BUT BRIDGES AND LIES IN AN EARTH QUAKE ZONE?? Jesus line dancing on a Cross! Now every time I head over a damn bridge my anxiety goes up. Luckily I am drunk, on Valium and nothing really affects me... including other drivers... or small fuzzy animals.

Speaking of small fuzzy animals, I had vietnamese for lunch today. It was actually quite good. It'd be much better if there wasn't one on every fucking corner... next to Starbucks. Seriously, all that's out here is Asian food. No wonder these Seattle bitches are so skinny. Who can gain weight on that shit?? I'm hungry...

I have lost some weight. My man boobs are sagging from fat loss... If they go any further i'll have to buy them roller skates to put them in so I can drag them behind me. Fortunatley, I am beginning to see things like my penis and my feet again... I had no idea they were that big! Maybe I should buy bigger shoes...

This just in....our entire building was just buzzed by the Blue Angels. They are outside right now practicing for an airshow on Saturday. From my office I can see Downtwon Seattle and the Mountains... if security wasn't tight like my asshole, i'd bring a camera in and take pictures.

I took pics of the new place... they turned out awful so you'll have to use your imagination just a little. I found some pics online ( below) that closely resemble it... Although I am sure mine is much nicer.

News from Emerald City

2007-08-01T14:32:00.000-04:00

Editor's note: Dustin is currently avoiding work. He couldn't sleep last night and is now double fisting both coffee and coke trying to stay awake. please forgive his utter randomness and occasional bitchiness. Wait... nevermind. all that is normal.

LIVING SITUATION UPDATE:

I go to sign my lease on the new apartment today! 964 square feet of brand new everything! I love finding a good remodel. New cabinets, floors, appliances... It even has that new painted wall smell... Love it!

So for all you men...I have an empty apartment... and a blow up mattress... wink wink.

I'll be coming back to Dallas on August 8th for anyone that gives a rats ass.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT! ( The more you blow.. I mean know!)

Recently many of you have been kind enough to think that I lack all creativity and have submitted new names for my blog. Thank you... but I am and always will be Dallas Dysfunction. However... I am now Dallas Dysfunction in [p]Sychotic [p]Seattle. Anyway, I want to send a big thanks to all you fuckers for trying...

RELATIONSHIP NEWS:

This paragraph intentionally left blank. ( and I hate men)

LOCAL NEWS:

I have avoided working long enough. Now I can officially just sit here and wait for noon to roll around. I hope no one notices.

I've lost weight up here. Everyone is so damn healthy here it makes me sick. I have almost run off the damn road looking at all the hotties. My work campus is built into a side of a mountain. There are fucking hills everywhere. I swear one day they are gonna find me dead on the sidewalk from trying to walk up one.

NATIONAL NEWS:

I have not had sex in ages... I'd like to announce that nationally. Okay so that's not really news...Nothing has changed. But now I am giving Mary a run for the money on her Virgin status. Right now I don't care how I get it as long as I get it and for those of you who know me... you know that normally I like to give it...Save a horse, ride a cowboy. Of course, I am picky so it won't be just anyone. They'll have to compete for it. I'll be holding a rose ceremony later this evening. Aw fuck the roses...if I jump on you and begin to rape you, you'll know your one.

NEWS FLASH

30 minutes to lunch! Time to look like I am actually doing something so when my coworkers come over to ask me to lunch... they'll think "Wow, what a go getter!"

Boys suck

2007-07-30T01:45:00.000-04:00

Well it's good to know that guys never change no matter what city your living. Word of advice to all you sad fucking little queers out there, games are what children play so fucking act your age. Don't lead me on and then then tell me you've being seeing someone and now they are jealous. It's not my fault you weren't honest. And NO we can't be friends now...

The sad thing is shame on me for getting up here and actually believing that guys might be different. I mean I have been here a week and already been duped. Jesus Fucking Christ on a Krispy Kreme! Will I ever freaking learn? Shit, If I wanted this drama, I would have just stayed in the land of pretension!

On a happier note, I have landed an apartment. Now its for real. I have to live up here for at least a year. I mean all things considered, everything except my dating life( what else is new) is going well. I work with some very nice people and for what seems to be a great company. The city is beautiful and I have never felt so alive ( and alone). For all you haters out there, It has yet to rain and it has been a beautiful 75 degree sunny week! The weather is wonderful!

Well that's all i have for now. I am still getting used to the time change. I am worn out! Picture blog coming soon.

Love to all,

Sleepless in Seattle...

2007-07-23T22:46:00.000-04:00

I made it finally. After three days of driving I finally made it up here to the great Pacific Northwest! First let me say...the following States can be excused from the Union: Kansas, The majority of Colorado, and Most of Idaho. There was nothing, i repeat NOTHING, to look at on my drive up in those states. In fact, thanks to those states, I can now text message , drive and take pictures while eating beef jerky and drinking diet coke. I rock at multi tasking.

Thus far, my time in here has been well spent. I found the ONE good Mexican restaurant and met several potential dates at the local gay bar! Oh, I also went apartment hunting and went to work .... but those hardly matter. The boys here are soooooooo.....oooooooo.....ooooo...cough....oooo HOT! And clearly they have never ever seen a short fluffy white boy from Texas. I'm like a kid in a candy store...a german at brat fest! Finally, I can be the ho I was meant to be!

I have lots more to update...including Mullet Mamma's wedding....so please bare with me as I work around not having a computer and internet access!

2007-07-19T10:38:00.000-04:00

So sorry for not posting! I have been busy packing for my move! I am leaving today for Seattle. I hope to have a few photos up by next week of my trip up! please stay tuned

Cheers.

Dallas Dys

FUCK FUCK!

2007-07-11T15:11:00.001-04:00

FUCK YOU BLOGGER AND THE NEW AUTO SAVE FEATURE.

It just wiped out a long post. Now I dont even want to blog.

FUCK YOU.

Ta...da...

The Aristocrats

.

OMG I Met Kenny

2007-07-03T13:29:00.000-04:00

Well here we are again...another wet Tuesday. And no it's not me that's wet... at least not down there on my naughty bits... yet. Once again Dallas is being inundated with Rain. I am pretty sure this is a sign that I should move to Seattle so I am. It's official. I will leave here on July 19th and start my 2200 mile drive up to the Pacific Northwest. Please be advised... that if I have your phone number...and I am getting service... you will be called so you better fucking answer. I expect to be pretty bored. It will be just me and my TomTom.

My 16 year old half brother has been visiting for the past 4 days. This is the longest we have ever spent together. I am now realizing that I am no longer the young strapping buck I once was. I have bruises in places I didn't know I could bruise. The little fucker likes to wrestle and somehow I end up losing. Which, might I add... in my constant state of horniness, wrestling is not always the best thing... and incest may be best when you keep it in the family..I just can't bring myself to turn to my Arkansas roots.

I must admit that I have never known anyone named Kenny in my life. In the past month I have met two, both from the Pacific Northwest. What the hell? Did Southpark inspire you up there or what?

I get to trade this skyline:

For this:

and this:

Dysfunction Almighty

2007-06-28T14:47:00.000-04:00

Okay seriously...I have never put too much thought into the whole Noah, big flood, two by two story but JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH... Could it please stop raining? I piratically had to swim to work. Thank god my man boobs double as flotation devices. Actually, I do look stunning in my new lime green one piece thong. ( Note: before wearing a thong... remember to shave ass crack. otherwise your hair gets wrapped around the thong and WHAM... your're on the ground crying like a bitch. my ass is still sore)

It has literally been raining everyday for the past two weeks and we aren't talking spotty showers. I am talking about heavy pours. Like God is taking the biggest leak of his life right on Texas... I blame George Bush. Every time I walk out of the house I prune up from being wet. Have you ever seen saggy man boob prunes? It's horrifying. They look like testicles with nipples. I need therapy just for looking at myself naked in the mirror.

Technically I should get used to it since I am about to haul my boobs and butt up to Seattle. I just hope they have good therapists up there too.

Liz Claiborne dead at 78

2007-06-27T15:46:00.000-04:00

HOLY GAY HELL...

LIZ IS DEAD

Everybody Panic!

Goodbye dear Liz...

I will spray some Sport on me in memory of you.

I lead a charmed life.

2007-06-27T12:30:00.000-04:00

Yahoo Instant Messanger you have been warned.

A few months ago this hot guy contacted me through Yahoo personals. I couldn't believe he would actually like me... at first I thought this is SPAM... but it turns out he lives close by and thought I was interesting. So after several failed attempts to hook up with him to chat online, we finally caught each other last night! We had a great conversation and I thought FUCK here I am finally meeting someone decent and I am about to move. Just my luck. So to be honest I told him that I was moving and he suggested that we meet in person before I left Dallas. We decided on coffee and then the conversation really started to get fun...

Here is the chat log... ( Please note: the identities have been changed to protect the innocent. Him is not me and me is not him. thank you)

[23:27] HIM: well then, will Sunday evening work for you?

[23:27] ME: sure :)

[23:27] HIM: I might just have to give you a big surprise then...

[23:28] HIM: a going away gift...

[23:28] ME: lol.. a cup of coffee?

[23:28] HIM: maybe...

[23:28] ME: I hope it's a Venti...

[23:28] HIM: if I told you it might not be a surprise...

[23:28] ME: true that

[23:29] HIM: I am sure you will like my surprise/gift

[23:29] ME: I am sure I will

[23:30] HIM: on the side note... what is something you haven't had in a while that you might be craving...

Yahoo Crashes. Silence. Cant log back in...

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Seriously! What the fuck YAHOO? Here I am FINALLY (possibly) about to get laid and you take it away from me? I curse you! The GAY GYPSY, TRAMPS AND THIEVES WHITE BOY CURSE! I hope your asshole grows together!

After months of trying to chat with him.... this happens. We didn't even get a chance to swap numbers.... or emails...or spit.

I seriously lead a very charmed ( if not totally retarded) life.

Where's my short bus?

I see your true colors...

2007-06-26T15:47:00.000-04:00

Saturday night, I attended the True Colors Concert Tour. It featured Cyndi Lauper, Erasure, Dresden Dolls, Margaret Cho and Rosie O'Donell. There was some other chick there too from Blondie but I didnt really like her so fuck it, I ain't blogging about her.

Anyhoo, this isn't a review of the concert. It was fine. They were funny.

The real meat of this story is how I was surrounded by BIG HUGE HAIRY men who obviously don't understand the meaning of personal hygeine. I almost passed out due to the smell. I sat in the bear section. Fearing for my life, I didnt take any pictures of them but I was able to get a couple of pics of the concert.You can thank my Motorola Razr for the great quality of what you are about to see.

Margaret Cho. Isn't she great. Doesn't she look like a fucking ant?

Rosie O'Donnell. This is even better pic. I just love my Motorola!

Me after the damn concert passed out on my couch due to toxic fumes from fat men. Bonus: black girl on the other couch passed out from general laziness.

hello...I am from Romania...

2007-06-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder why it is I never get hit on... and then when I do finally get hit on, I wonder why I am drunk... why they are always from a foreign country and then I wonder why the hell I allowed him to stick his tongue down my throat..... and take me home.

Thursday night I was hanging out with my old college "mom" and her friend who was down from Norfolk Virginia. Mind you Mom, was just like my real Mom... except without the mullet and the manufactured-yet suprisingly mobile-home. Her Virginian a woman that was ex Navy, 6 foot-huge and had a deeper voice than I ever dreamed of... and oddly enough was not a lesbian. They were in town for a work related conference and wanted to meet up with me for dinner and drinks. Did I mention her friend was the Jolly Green Giant's Daughter? Anyhoo, me, mom and Miss Thin-Air-Up-Top, decided to go watch a drag show. I was already drunk off two margaritas from dinner..... tequila and I are not good bed buddies... so when we got to the bar, Miss Not-A-Lezbo ordered a round of beers for us all. That beer lead to fifteen more until we found ourselves downstairs watching the gay boys dance. That's when it happened. I was just standing there, swaying, minding my own drunk ass business, when I was molested by a Romanian. He just came up to me, with an accent and whispered in my ear that he had been watching me all night ( stalker) and that he wanted me... Now I must admit at this point, I was a little past drunk... I wasn't wearing beer goggles... I was wearing a couture beer helmet. Like a retard at the Special Olympics, I was on top of the world. Someone hit on me!!! I felt as if I had just won the Gold in the drooling contest! He kissed me and I tried to protest but my mouth was full of his tongue...so I did what anyone would do in my situation...I sucked on his tongue and groped him.... in front of MOM... ( not one of my finest moments.) As I came up for air, she said they were leaving and asked if I would be ok... at this point, I could have been whipped and hog tied and still said sure... so they left... me... all...alone.... with a Romanian. I must admit this was a first one even for me. So if your keeping count.... A Wheelchair, a Brazilian, a Puerto Rican, and now this guy.... sigh. He asked me if I wanted to go back to my place... I said "sure".... We held hands all the way to the parking lot and made a pit stop at a gas station where I filled up his tank. We drove to my condo.. and slowly... sensually.....

........he dropped me off. YEP! I got suckered for a tank of gas... SHIT... I know the gas prices are high but COME ON! I mean GAS??? What happened to the good old days when they asked for money for drugs or sex? Now it's gas. What the fuck has George W. done to this country?

I have decided that from now on.... Mom can no longer go out with me.

Editor's note: To all my new readers...welcome to my hell. To Wench... I rag everyday honey. It's a gay man's and Bobby Brown's prerogative

Thursday fast one

2007-06-21T14:15:00.000-04:00

You know I realize that I have gained weight. I look in the Mirror and see that my nipple is now down around my ankle. So why is that my coworkers give me a birthday card with a cow on it. Don't they know I am sensitive? Bastards.... I know where they all work and I will get the back. Luckily for me, I can now pinch my nipples with my toes. It gives me something to enjoy during work.

I just returned from the staff meeting from hell. The coworker with the jacked up grill was all up in my chili. She is driving me nuts. Some days I just wanna body slam the cow. Only, I think she would win. She has thunder thighs. In fact, she starts small forest fires from the damn friction of them rubbing together. Not to mention that the bitch is an amazon... I swear she is like 6'5. That's one tall bitch with snaggle teeth and fat thighs. *shiver*

That's all have for right now. I may blog more later..... if you're unlucky...

Home Sweet Home

2007-06-20T12:05:00.000-04:00

Well. I'm back. In Dallas. Back to being dysFUNctional. For at least another Month.

Seattle was interesting. A whole new world.

Observations from my trip.

1. Women in Seattle need makeovers. Homely bitches.

2. Men in Seattle are HOT.... especially the one I made out with... after I got wasted.... and in front of a bunch of straight people.....as they watched in horror and slight fascination.

3. It drizzles too much.

4. People don't know how to drive. They have lanes for a reason. Please try and stay in yours.

5. The trees are really big. Seriously. You see nothing but trees...and then every now and then the forest will shit out a city.

6. Did I mention Seattle men are HOT?

7. There are no old people in Seattle. I think they drown them in the lakes.

8. The T-mobile Corporate headquarters has lots of pink inside the building. It made me feel even gayer than I already am.

9. My first cup of coffee was at a Starbucks... I sat on the patio and watched the peeps on the patio of the Starbucks three stores over.

10. Eskimo's scare me....( think Mexicans with baby seal clubs)

WOW... A white person...

2007-06-13T13:26:00.000-04:00

I almost had a car accident this morning while on my way to work. No it wasn't caused by some jerk who drives a expensive car and it wasn't even a SUV cunt licking soccer mom! Nope it was driver error. I just happened to glance over and noticed something that was very distracting! There was a white boy mowing my condominium's lawn! WTF? I didn't know white people still did that. Especially here in Texas... illegal immigrant/mexican food/jerk President capitol of the world.

Well.. in exactly 3 days I will be another fucking whooop-dee-do-dah year older. There is no turning back. I will be 31. It's official I am no longer the young stud I once was. (btw, I don't give a shit if you are 102 and want to leave me a comment on how you wish you could be 31 again.... your almost dead. this is all about me and my feelings. bitch about your own age on your own blog. thank you and have a nice day)

I'll be in Seattle over the weekend. I have never been there. This should be fun. I hope to have meaningless casual sex and visit the set of Grey's Anatomy and reenact the scene from Sleepless in Seattle and drink some coffee and visit Pike's Place Market and rent an apartment. I hope to do the sex and set all at the same time. Growl...

I am so avoiding work. I feel like a senior about to graduate. If for some reason, like a god strikes my hiring manager dead, that I don't get this job then i'll be screwed. I haven't done jack lately. I really should do something. My nails need polishing before I interview. I think I'll do that.

It's thundering oustide. Maybe I'll wait on leaving work for a manicure. Shit...now I just got added to a fucking conference call... I hope I can understand those damn Indians... I am all out of slurpees.

Editor's note: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are not the views and opinions of Dallas Dysfunction. Dallas Dysfunction is neither racist, prejudiced nor does he hate Chinese people. He is however a dirty bastard that plays with himself on Tuesdays around 8 am while on his way to work and listening to Christian rock music.

Hotty Totty Tuesday

2007-06-12T13:49:00.000-04:00

I am a pretty sensitive person. Especially if you lick just underneath the head of my dick. Today on my morning commute, I was listing to the radio. This station does some charity work and had a small segment where this brother read a loving letter to his special needs sister. It was all about how much of an inspiration she is to him. It brought me to tears. Had I been wearing mascara my day would have been ruined. Fortunately I am not that kind of queer. There really isn't any point to this story other than I want you to know that I have a softer side to me... I'm just like Sears. ( and about as cheap too)

I think I found the love of my life last night at a straight bar... at least he looked like him. Well. He looked like what I picture the love of my life to look like. We spoke about beer ( always gets me horny) as he gazed into my eyes and I gazed into his. I was hooked. And then the bartender brought over his beers and he walked off to his friends. He was lost forever. I have often thought about putting a "Missed Connections" ad in Craigs list. For example " you in white tshirt and beige shorts with no ass. Me in Grey shirt, beige shorts, ball cap, and low slung titties. We discussed beer and our eyes met. Were you gay? I don't know. You stared at me like you wanted me or I was a circus freak. I love you. Please email." Then I thought that might be too forward. Instead I plan on stalking the bar until we meet again or I find someone else who is the love of my life.

Just a swinging

2007-06-11T11:38:00.000-04:00

Last night my neighbor interrupted the "National Gay Holiday" aka the Tony Awards to let me know that he is performing at a new club and would like me to come see him. Irked but intrigued, I told him I would come out after Best Musical was announced. Did I mention that my neighbor is a Bi-polar vocal immpressionist in drag? You haven't lived until you've seen Tina Turner, Judy Garland and Barba Streisand have a complete meltdown one minute and then be happy as a drunken lark the next. Anyhoo, my black girl and I arrived at this club only to discover it was a Swinger's club. I have never been to a swingers club. Of course, I'm not big on swinging. All that back and forth action seriously gives me an upset stomach. We paid our cover and walked in and to my surpise there were no swings! Then again, there wasn't much of anything including patrons. So me and the black girl grabbed a few drinks, tucked ourselves into a corner and watched the show. It wasn't half bad or half good come to think of it. Thy had cute skinny dancing boys... always a plus, a legally blind drag queen (always amusing when searching for dollars) and then my bipolar friend. Now that's entertainment!!! After the show ended the owner came up and gave me and my friend a free pass for Saturday night. It's for couples only! I think we are gonna go... maybe by then they will have the swings back up!

Anyone got a new life? I need one.

2007-06-08T12:26:00.000-04:00

I have just spent 30 minutes watching a house on Fox News. Why you say? I am waiting on that whore Paris to walk out... I gues maybe I am hoping she'll trip. Someone please help me... gouge my eyes out... give me a life...something anything...

our urinals smell like a baby

2007-06-07T17:19:00.000-04:00

They replaced the urinal cakes with a "Baby Fresh" smelling one.

Not that any of you care...

it just suprised me so I thought I would share.

Monday's never end

2007-06-07T14:21:00.000-04:00

I believe we should rename Thursday June 7, 2007 to Monday… because that’s what it feels like—a fucking Monday. Yesterday after feeling like I was hit by a semi truck…so I went to bed early. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good only top be confronted at work with what I have a feeling Hell will be like.

Why is that guys who come out of a stall always feel the need to whistle, cough, sigh loudly or make some other noise? It’s like they are trying to distract us from the fact that their turds just nuked the entire bathroom. Mr. Toxic Shit…we know exactly what you just did. In fact, we are all having trouble breathing because of it, so do us a favor and keep your happy whistling to yourself. The last thing I need when gagging is someone being all happy that they just cleansed their colon at our expense.

My co-worker with a jacked up grill is driving me insane. Not because of her jacked up grill, although I do believe she had a breakfast burrito for breakfast—at least that’s what it looks like from the remnants still in her tooth/teeth/grill. I think her mere presence just bugs me and then when she talks to me it get’s worse. She is the nicest person in the world ( jacked up grill and all) but it takes her 30 minutes to explain an issue and gets louder and louder the more excited she gets. Shoot me now…

Let’s talk about Paris Hilton… forget the bracelet, I wanna know why we aren’t considering the death penalty. Oh right, California is a big hairy wet mushy pussy state, unlike Texas, which has a 24 hour drive through for death row and a Burger King for those last meals.

Speaking of Burger King, I have stopped eating there because I am scared of the “King” character they are using in their ads. I am pretty sure that I have some form of heart disease from years of eating their Whoppers. Last thing I need is for the King to jump out and give me a heart attack.

Wednesday Quickie

2007-06-06T14:36:00.001-04:00

Okay a couple of quick things…

I have a lot going on in my life right now. I have been stood up twice now for dates by two different guys. I woke up grumpy this morning. My cat is in heat. My brand new car windshield already has a sizeable crack due to a rock thrown by some asshole cunt lick of a soccer mom driving a fucking gas guzzling environment hating SUV. There goes my fucking deductible… However, the good news is, I saved money by switching my insurance to Geico and I have been through a couple of interviews for a position with a company in Seattle and things are looking very optimistic. This is a HUGE move for me but I can honestly say that I think it would be a very good choice for furthering my career and it definitely pays a butt load more and I am excited about the possibilities of moving to a new city and meeting the new gays. I’m also excited about the possibilities of writing even longer run on sentences like the one right before this one and the one before that one. Exciting!

Okay real quick. Anyone seen the pic of the TB guy on CNN? Can we say HOT!!!! All together now…..“HOT”. I never find anyone with a communicable disease to be a turn on. What do you think the chances of me contracting TB through a blowjob are?

TB Guy Pic pulled from CNN.Com..

Last weekend was pretty busy for me. I had two friends celebrating their birthdays. I really wish I could remember how good of a time we had but it seems that all we did was drink. My birthday is coming up in 10 days…. There is no turning back. I’ll be 21 again… for the 10th time. I would have written a blog on Monday but I was busy praying to the porcelain god to take my wrenching stomach and Tuesday..well Tuesday, I just didnt give a damn. Ah but yes Monday....I have no idea how anyone can could puke that much. I looked like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Right down to the long blonde hair, green pea soup and tits.

Spam for a job ( and a lap dance ) well done

2007-06-01T12:23:00.000-04:00

Its early AM in here sunny Dallas. It’s the first time we have had sun (not that I am complaining) in a Month. This has been the wettest beginning of the summer ever… You have no idea how cute I look in pink arm-floaties.

Gay bars. Some days I wonder why I even go them. You always see the same faces… same drag queens…same flaming girlie boys with silk purses falling out of their mouths. It’s normally just dull. Last night was not one of those nights. Around 10pm after coming to grips that my dick would not be getting polished, I decided to go drink myself into oblivion. I grabbed my handy dandy big titty black girl and off we went to one of our favorite local piano bars. It was filled with the usual old ugly men sitting at the bar listening to a Richard Gere look alike singing songs from the late 70’s early 80’s. The night looked bleak until I heard a group of guys cutting up and laughing towards the back of the bar. At the table were 4 HOT twink boys, doing shots, drinking cocktails and generally just getting shit faced. My black girl decided to join them. The next thing I know… I am getting a lap dance from a drunk 20 year old who is wearing nothing but his underwear ( pants were around his ankles), while his hot boyfriend watched and incidentally directed me to scoot out of the booth even more so that I could fully appreciate the dance. And yes. I did appreciate it. However, now I just want to hump anything with a hole and heartbeat. We ended up spending the rest of the evening/early morning with the twinks. Watching them loose sobriety and replace it with drunken carnal lust. I was in heaven. I still didn’t get laid. In fact I just went home with my big titty black girl. No. We didn’t cuddle. I wasn’t that drunk.

You know what the best thing about my job is? Getting commended on a job well done by one of the Executive Officers…. for a job that I really didn’t do. That email is going in my employee file. Nothing like not doing a job and getting rewarded. I am even being taken to lunch for all my (lack of) effort! So sweet of them to do that. I am just gonna ride this wave until the jig is up baby! Feel free to leave me congratulatory comments on not doing my job.

Holy shit. I just received a cafeteria lunch voucher from my bosses boss for working late! I am being commended all over the place! Look at me! Mr. Commendation Guy. I am Super! OOO I hope they have spam sandwiches….

it's 3:15pm and I am just now posting this

2007-05-31T16:15:00.000-04:00

I woke up hyper this morning. I’m not sure why. I actually feel pretty good despite the fact that it looks like I am still not getting laid. I am about to start a “Get Dustin Laid” Campaign. It will rank up there with “Save the Children” and “Feed the Whales”.

Update: My hyperness has given way to the “just fed the fat- sluggishness” that comes from eating lunch. Believe it or not I started typing this blog at about 10AM CST and it is now 1:31PM CST. Yes folks it takes me forever to write these witty pithy blogs. I keep getting interrupted by coworkers and the occasional job that I must perform to collect a paycheck. It sucks. I was seriously born into the wrong family. I would be a better Paris Hilton, I just know it. That’s hot.

Speaking of coworkers, I have one nosey little bitch who works with me. She walks past my cube at least 10 times a day to see what I am doing. I’ve even heard rumors that she keeps track of when I come in to work and leave for the day. Which is fine by me, I just keep the bitch guessing. One day I’ll get here at 9:30am and leave at 4pm and another day I’ll get here at 7am and leave at 5pm. It totally just fucks her world up. I really don’t understand why she does it. My boss and I have a great relationship and in fact, if we gossip, it’s usually about Ms. Nosey. Girlfriend has some serious issues. Today I arrived at 10am and I plan on leaving at 4pm… her world is gonna be destroyed Mwuhahahahaha ( that’s an evil laugh Tisha… don’t ask me what that “mwu” word is later)…

It’s 3:11pm and this motherfucker is still not posted. I just got from a staff meeting… Staph Infection… Same thing… It just gnaws at me until eventually it will kill me. I just had a really impure thought(s) about one of the financial analysts….okay two of the financial analysts… together with me…you think I should pray about this or something? I feel kinda dirty…. And I like it.

I have an interview in 45 minutes. Time to post this bad boy and get on with my day. Happy Thursday aka Pay Day (for me) everybody

Top 5

2007-05-30T13:47:00.000-04:00

Top 5 things I am pondering about in life right now....

1. Illegal Immigration.

This has never really affected me and living in Texas I know it should. I am fine with them mowing my lawn or cleaning my house but until this past weekend it never occured to me that we may have a problem. I went to my half sister's high school graduation in small town in South Texas. Do you have any idea how many people with the last name of Gonzales we had to sit through?? That doesnt even count the Garcia's and the Herrera's... good grief. Then I found out they were all related! Can someone please turn on the kicthen light so they will scatter??

2. Marcus Del Rio.

Speaking of Mexicans, its been a little over a year since my best friend died. I miss him terribly. I dont suppose there is a day that goes by when I dont think about him. It's amazing how much Mexicans have touched my life. Viva la France!

3. Seattle.

I may be moving to Seattle for a new job. Which means that I can no longer be dysfunctional in Dallas. Maybe I should be pSychotic in Seattle. I am pretty sure the gloomy weather will have an odd effect on me since normally here in Dallas it's Sunny and hot enough to fry and egg off your ass.

4. Work..... is kicking my ass. My boss is out of the office due to having both of her feet operated on, so I have been picking up slack around here. If I have to answer one more question from a fat man or a girl with a messed up grill, I am gonna scream. Espeically Miss Grillz.... every time I look at her all I can think about is how great our dental plan is and why she isn't using it. I know that is mean but come on! Get them fixed or move to Great Britain.

5. Sex....

I haven't had any. In Months. I am going nuts without nuts. Seriously. I feel like a puppy. I want to hump anything and everything. What makes this almost unbearable is that during my brief family visit, I discovered that my adorable little half brother has grown up to be a handsome young man....who is interested in the gay lifestyle. Now mind you, I have never told him my orientation ( I come off Straight acting) and we aren't really that close. I may have hung around him a total of 5 times in his entire life. For me, family is about getting to know my family and not whoI am fucking ( or not fucking actually) at the moment , but you can't really hide what you are. The minute I got there I was barraged with questions from him. "Are you gay? Do you like guys? You ever done it with a guy? What's it like to live near the gay area of Dallas? How many of your friends are gay? Can I rub your back?" What?...wait... Ok...I'm horny and he's only a half brother and I DID live in Arkansas for three years ( State Motto: Incest is best when you keep it in the family) .....so No...using what little will power I had and my secret decoder ring, I didnt let him rub my shoulders.... but he did decide to wrestle me which just made it even worse. By the time I got him off... No not like that you sicko's ...got him off of me after wrestling... I was so damn horny I could screw a light socket. I had to say 10 hail marry's and blow a priest and I'm not even Catholic. No in all reality you can call me sicko...I blame the hormones. He's a cute guy with a bright future and if he does decide that he wants to be gay... then dear god look out queers... he'll be the prettiest boy at the ball! Of course....now here I am, back home and still not laid. I have the possibilty of getting some dick tomorrow night. keep your fingers crossed for me. Lord knows I cant take anymore dust building up on my cock...

ps.. to Christina the Wench --- you're sucha bitch and I love you for it... Glad someone is getting laid.. Can I live vicariously through you?

Right and Left duke it out

2007-05-24T16:19:00.000-04:00

Anyone see this on The View? finally the show is getting good. I mean finally each of the women have what the show is all about.... a view...

HAAAAY: gay for hi...

2007-05-23T13:41:00.000-04:00

My “n” is rubbing off my keyboard. It looks like an upside down “V”. It creeps me out.

Where oh where should I begin? It’s been so long since I blogged, I almost feel that I have forgotten how. I went on vacation and visited a long lost cousin. I am proud to report she has now been found.

I went to a Ballroom Dancing Competition this past weekend. I was a special guest and as such, I received special treatment….I ended up running the box office and helping register the dancers. Sometimes it sucks to be related to the people sponsoring the competition. Even so I had a great time. I would have had an even better time if I had gotten laid. Male Ballroom Dancers have the best asses…. I met two of the dancers from Dancing with the Stars… I wasn’t all that impressed but at least I got to see one undressing…that’s always a highlight.

I need to get laid. It’s been MONTHS since I have had sex. My penis is feeling neglected. I am finding that my beer goggles are continually getting worse the longer I stay a virgin. Those 89 year old men are starting to look better and better… this is a cry for help. If you are young, hung and an Abercrombie and Fitch model then you could help end my dry spell. If you don’t do it for me then at least think of the children…for the love of god… think of the children..

Prince is screaming in my ear right now….

I am really dehydrated from drinking last night…. I think I have only peed once since I woke up this morning… speaking of that… do you know it’s incredibly hard to pee when you have morning wood? I have to think about something completely awful just to be able to get it to deflate enough to pee. Lucky for me I have a 400 pound coworker that seriously disgust me when I think about him naked….I also think about him when I get pee shy… I really should thank him for helping me…

A quickie....

2007-05-16T15:23:00.000-04:00

A couple of quick things....

Our new CEO is a Hotty Hott McHotty, jr.... Finally these mandatory finance meetings are interesting.... Now I have someone that I can picture in their underwear without grossing out... what do I do with this sudden lump in my crotch?

The guy sitting in front of me at a meeting I just attended had a sausage roll on the back of his head. You know what I am talking about? Its when you go bald and you can see that fat roll at the back of the head just underneath the skull and above the top of the neck... I wanted to pinch it. I restrained myself. Another guy was picking dead skin from behind his ears so I figured I would just help him instead.

My ass is sweaty... I despise summer time. My Body is too Bootyliscious for you babe.

Bill gates ate my blog

2007-05-15T15:06:00.000-04:00

I had a long lengthy blog ready to post but then Bill Gates ate my post.... and by saying that Bill Gates ate my post I mean Sex... and by sex I mean Internet explorer crashed and I was just left fucked. Without lube. up the ass. with a donkey dick.

Not only did I have a lengthy blog about how I finally found a dry cleaner that spoke English, I also had written the final answer to world peace. Now its all gone. I am left with nothing. It took me better part of the morning just to describe my dry cleaning experience. Every time I sat down to type about my lightly starched journey a co-worker would interrupt me. All they wanted to do was ask me questions upon questions. Luckily I am the answer man. I could answer any question they threw out at me as long as it was yes, no or maybe.

By the way, the answer to world peace is "yes". You're life is now fulfilled. Please do not thank me. Just leave, peacefully.

Jerry Falwell's condition has been downgraded to dead. Come on P-Ro and James Dobson... you know they say it happens in "3's".

If you haven't been to this SITE you need to go there immediately. It's Flickrvision and it shows your photos being uploaded and where they are being uploaded in real time. So addictive...

Seriously go now.

Stop reading...

GAWD DAMMITT I SAID GIT!

My Mantra

2007-05-14T13:26:00.000-04:00

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle

Slug bug...no slug bugs back

2007-05-10T03:39:00.000-04:00

Lately I have felt about as sexual as a slug. I haven’t wanted to do anyone or anything. Even my blowup doll is now going to therapy for lack of attention and you know what? I am ok with paying that bill. Really. I may be sending my hand along with it pretty soon. This whole dating thing has just killed whatever libido I had. It’s tragic. Either you meet someone who wants just sex (which I was fine with in my early 20’s… I could give a whore a run for her money) or you meet someone who wants to immediately marry you. What happened to dating? Getting to know each other… Scoring first base on the first date? Now it seems like I meet someone, we skip all the bases except for home plate. I need something more than that. I am, dare I say it, a sensitive man who is looking for a relationship. I want to settle down. I want a home with a white picket fence. I want 2.5 children ... I want… Oh who am I kidding? What I really want is a lover who looks like a GQ Model, likes to fuck till the cows come home and believes ain monogamy. Hmmm, maybe that’s why I am still single.

There is a dull spot on my laptop screen just above the task bar that’s driving me insane. My eye keeps wandering to it while I type this. It’s like a black hole. A void in my otherwise bright screen. I can’t take it much longer. No wonder people go off the deep end in corporate America. I don’t know what to do about it. I could call the help desk but “Rachel” from India would only offer me a slurpy and while that MIGHT make it better but it still wouldn’t keep me sane. I think I’ll just try and ignore it. The same way ignore my boss.

I started going back to the gym in an attempt to loose the weight that I have gained over the past few months. I go with my brother who is a freaking gym head. He is all about lifting weights and getting as big as he can. I can barely move today. I can’t even lift my arms over my head without screaming and crying like a baby. I had to put on my shirt like you put on tight pants. I laid it on the bed and just kind of wiggled into it. I had to drive to a friend’s house just to get her to button the top buttons. I couldn’t go to work with my chest hanging out of my shirt. I am pretty sure the 70’s disco look is not considered Business Casual.

Why did god make nuts sag so low? I practically just racked myself adjusting my legs in the office. I swear I just need to be neutered… If course then my estrogen would kick up and my man boobs would turn into full blown tits… I’m screwed no matter which way I go…although Victoria Secrets does have a few pretty bras…

Speaking of which, the new Kate Moss Collection hit Barney’s yesterday. I just can’t see paying that much money for so little clothes. You know it only takes about a yard of fabric to cover that skinny little coke whore. The plus side is you get a free dime bag with each shirt. Helps keep you emaciated just like her. Quick, Moms, run out and buy all your little teenage girls some coke whore clothes. Now I am just waiting for Whitney to come out with the Crack Whore line.

I really should get back to work ignoring my boss. I’ve blogged long enough.

Extra Extra, read all about it...

2007-05-09T14:08:00.000-04:00

I feel like fucking with the news today. So please let me direct your attention to news articles that I find amusing.

*Here is a new printer that can print 3D objects. Lose the back cover of your remote? No problem! Just download the schematics and print out a new plastic cover. This is gonna be huge in the porn industry!! Can't find your butt plug? Lose it up your ass? No problem....

*This is the only good news about illegal immigration. Well except, that I now I have a lawn boy, a house keeper and I saved money by switching my insurance to Geico.

*Need a job? Warning: I heard the big boss is a dick.

*Filed under "does this really suprise anyone?", Paris is seen driving a car again. Lets go for 90 days shall we???

*86 Yr Old Man gets forked by his wife... no not fucked.. forked..in the ear... with a fork..not a spork... but a fork.

* Huge 4.6 magnitude Earthquake strikes Montana. No one is hurt but thats because no one lives in Montana.

*Man with no arms and only one good leg eludes a police chase. again. for the third time. Hmmm, ya think it's time for new officers, Chief Wiggum?

* DICK Cheney sees progress in Iraq. I'm really not sure I can trust the man who didnt see his best friend standing right beside him when he pulled that trigger....

Wise Words...

2007-05-08T15:56:00.001-04:00

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

by Jack Handey

Happy Tuesday! I am ignoring Monday

2007-05-07T15:08:00.000-04:00

It’s Monday. I seriously dislike Mondays. I wish I could go to sleep on Sunday and wake up on Tuesday. Mondays are just way too busy. In fact, currently I am blogging while listening to ( semi-watching) the latest episode of CSI that I missed and working all at the same time. Just way too busy. How’s that for multi-tasking?

I have garlic burps. It’s disgusting. No more diet coke for me…too much carbonation.

Now for something I completely despise… Surveys. Why Not? I’m already pissy..lets just add to it.

1.Do you know anyone in prison?
Maybe…

2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace?Nope.3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
I have absolutely no idea… I’d rather just smear it between my butt cheeks and let the dogs have at it.

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
Hi! Have we met?

6. Name someone you miss.
Waldo…I can never find him.

7. Are you named after a grandparent?
No After Dustin Hoffman… My mother just loved Tootsie.

8. Who loves you?
My Cat..and that’s only because I feed her
9. Have you ever broken a rib?
Nope… All my bones are still intact.

10. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?
Neither…

11. Who is the most spoiled person you know?
Paris Hilton

12. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
A million dollars… unless True Love was a millionaire

13. Have you ever had sex in church?
Define Sex…. And Church…

14. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine?
WTF? No Marines is the only Branch of the Armed Forces I haven’t slept with.

15. What would you describe your last relationship as:
%^%$^#$%# &^#$$%#@% $%$^&^% &^&^%$ Thats French for Asshole.

16. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?Younger…. Daddy loves em younger…

17. What's your favorite junk food?
Beer

18. Do you have a porn collection?
DO I??? MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA

19. Is your birthday on a holiday?
Well, every seven years it falls on Father’s Day… and sometimes really close to Juneteenth.

20. Are you old enough to vote?
no..... um.... maybe....I'll never reveal my true age!

21. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?
War? What War? Oh you mean that Republican shit-tastic extravaganza in Iraq? then..Yes

22. Are you a vegetarian?
Fuck No… Gimme a cow with a side of pig…

23. Do you worry about global warming?
yes… daily… I am completely stressed. I blame Al Gore for bringing it to my attention.

24. Do you like polar bears?
Only for Sex

25. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Big Girls Don’t Cry

26. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbor?
Nope… I lost it to my cousin… *cue banjos*

27. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?
No and yes… and No again.

28. Do you wear your boyfriend/girlfriends clothes?
I don’t have one… but I do wear other people’s boyfriend/girlfriends clothes…

29. Are you a country or city girl/boy?
I’m a country boy city girl

30.Are you taller than 5'6"?
On good days…

31. Do you consider yourself spoiled?
Only when Consuela, my maid, cleans my Condo and vaccuums my cat..

a shitty thought

2007-05-02T11:36:00.000-04:00

I realize that everyone at some point must take a big old nasty shit in a public place. It's a given. When you gotta go... you gotta go right? Well in my office, for some unknown reason, our restroom on our floor is like the musical symphony of ass trumpets. The stalls are pretty much always full. This morning, I stopped off for coffee before I commuted to work. Traffic was heavy and it took me about 45 minutes. About half way there I realized, "man... I need to pee". So when I finally get to the office, I throw my laptop down in my cube and headed to the loo. I opened the door and thats when it hit me. The worst smell ever. I walked back out... grabbed some air, held my breath and entered. Seriously, why can't people learn to courtesy flush? We don't wanna smell your shit! and it's just plain RUDE. But Karma has a way of showing up and giving back. Next time, Mr. JOHN RAMIREZ, make sure you remove your employee ID badge before dropping your pants around your ankles. It was hanging out perfectly under the stall wall and now we all know that something crawled up your ass and died.

Hope you washed your hands John... lord knows there was know way the toilet paper alone protected it from your toxic poo.

Now that's Drama Mamma!

2007-05-01T11:35:00.000-04:00

Today feels like a Monday even though I know it’s a Tuesday. I hate days like this. Work has become increasingly busy seeing as how it’s the end of the month and beginning of mid quarter. I have been on more conference calls in the last few weeks than I would care to mention. Personally, I think it’s high time my company flew me out to meet these people in Ireland, India, Japan and Brazil. I could use a working vacation…. And a change of scenery/culture.

I love theatre. Drama, comedies, musicals, experimental, new plays, classic ones, Shakespeare, Moliere, Strindberg, Mamet…. You get the idea. I loved it so much that I majored in it in college. I had goals to be an Artistic Director of my own theater company. As many of you know…last year I did a complete 180 and left theater all together and pursued corporate life, where I have excelled beyond my expectations. I’d go into details of why I left but ultimately it would just create a lot of local snarky comments so I’ll just skip it. Now I just like to attend a show every now and then. Last Friday night was one of those “now and then’s”. I went to a local, somewhat amateur play written by a local somewhat amateur playwright. Normally when I attend something like this, I usually expect the worst that way if it’s good, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. And surprised I was. So there we were, my friend and I, sitting in the audience (side of stage=not good seats) when the lights go out….I waited patiently as shadows in the dark went to there marks and that’s when it happened. The lights came on and there was a nude man lying prostate on the floor. His ass was facing us. We could see right between his legs. Suddenly my night began to perk up! I thought “damn could this play get any better?” and that’s when said Nude Guy stood up. Hallelujah! The once sucky side seats turned out to be the best seats ever. Nude Guy had his back to the audience but for those of us on the side…we could see every thing. Pleasantly surprised indeed. Sadly he only stayed nude on stage for about 20 minutes and then the rest of the play kicked in. It was awful…no plot, flat characters, fake blood but hey, I got to see dick on a hot guy. Word of advice of all you aspiring local playwrights: If you think your play sucks, just write in a character that is nude. You’ll increase ticket sales and burn that image into your audience’s mind. They’ll be more forgiving that way.

Man-tastic advice from Omniscience

2007-04-28T10:05:00.000-04:00

I was so inspired by Dallas DysFUNction's post on Wednesday that I just had to offer the following advice in regards to his mention of sweaty balls:

A rarely discussed problem amongst dudes is the annoying and often unsightly phenomenon known as "bat wings". Unless you wear tighty-whities, you are bound to encounter this problem in the warmer months. "What the fuck are bat wings?" you ask. Well, here's the deal: When you wear boxers and it's hot out, and you sit down for extended periods, your nuts stick to the inner thigh, which can often leave a reddish mark. It doesn't itch, it's not a rash, it's just a red mark left by your sweaty nuts sticking to the insides of your legs.

How does one remedy this? Well, we all know that talcum powder is a sure fire way to get nut-ticular cancer, so that's out. The solution is corn starch, my friends. Sound weird? Well, it works. It won't cure bat wings, per se, but it will alleviate the redness somewhat, and help prevent your dangly-bits from sticking.

Dallas, I hope you are able to find a dude who's not just after your dong and your perky man-boobs.

I have a View for you

2007-04-25T15:42:00.000-04:00

Sometimes living in Texas is like living on another planet. Yesterday we were being obliterated with storms and today, it’s beautiful outside. Two weeks ago it was dick shrinking cold… now my balls are sweaty. I don’t know whether to wrap my crotch up in flannel or stick a Renuzit** on it.

Lately, I have been focusing my blogs on my own personal issues. I have come to understand that this might be selfish of me so I have decided to spend the next few lines commenting on someone else who has problems of their own.

Rosie O’Donnell is leaving The View. Who didn’t see this coming? I am betting Barbara and Elizabeth are all wet with ecstasy. (I just gagged myself imagining that) Now, I don’t agree with all of Rosie’s opinions but being very opinionated myself, I can say she did what they wanted. She drove the ratings through the roof with her edgy commentary and opinions. What ABC needs to do is get rid of Barbara and Elizabeth and get two other women who actually have a “view”. Those two spend the entire show riding the damn fence. I think we have become to “PC” in this country. No longer can we make fun of anyone because they might get offended! Well let me tell you that I promise to continue to make fun of every race, color and creed. I’ll leave no retard unturned! We expect these celebrities to be the perfect role models, when in fact they are just like us right down to the damn air we breathe. If anyone is to blame, it’s us as a society for promoting these people to this unrealistic status. No wonder they all have drug/alcohol/STD/CIA/FBI problems and then use rehab as an excuse when they do stupid things. This is why we should all plant trees to help out the environment.

Rant Finis.

Hot or Not.com is a lesson in sadomasochism. If you remember some of my past blogs (yes I’m back on me again, I much more interesting than Rosie) you’ll know that I joined several online dating site against my better judgment in an attempt to find my one true love. Hot or Not was one of these sites. I put my picture on their and just for shits and giggles (more shits than giggles) allowed it to be rated. The highest I ever got was an 8.9 out of 10. I thought hey, that’s pretty good. I switched pics and now I am a 4. Teenagers with nothing to do but rate people looks online can be so cruel. Anyway, I have met nothing but young guys with a sugar daddies who want nothing more than occasional fling because my dick is better than old limp dick… GOD I AM SO LUCKY. Um I mean, it’s not what I really want. I need someone that I can settle down with. Someone, who will be able to yell in my good ear fifty years from now and understand my mumblings when my false teeth are out. Apparently I am the fat version of a sex symbol. No ones wants to date me, they just want to sleep with me. Case in point—the guy I met out last week, who I asked out on a date. He never responded until he got drunk one night and then began texting me to come over so we could I assume “fuck”. Look I know I have a decent cock and my man boobs are perky but I am more than just a piece of meat. I am a person too. And that’s why we should all recycle to help out the envoiroment.

FUCK… I have a meeting in ten minutes with an Indian guy who I seriously have trouble understanding. I was going to run up to my local convenience store and strike up a conversation with one of the guys who works there for practice and then by a slurpee to bring with me to the meeting… that way if he gets frustrated with me asking “huh and What?” all the time, I can give him that to calm him down.

Thank you and come again.

** I prefer the “After the Rain” Scent

Stormy weather....and some leather...

2007-04-24T18:24:00.000-04:00

You ever pissed into a fan. That’s what the weather feels like right now. It’s all misty, gray and nasty. They are predicting hail and tornadoes this afternoon and here I sit in a building in the middle of nowhere. We're obviously in a place that fucking resembles Kansas Toto. Ladies and Gents, today, the role of the Wicked Witch of the World will be played by Dallas Dysfunction.

I’m grumpy. Work has been pissing me off. I seriously dislike stupid people to begin with and then you add them to your life for 8 hours a day and it becomes almost unbearable. Not that I work 8 hours every day here in the office, usually I can only handle 6 and then I log on from home to finish out my day. There is something that is very relaxing when you can conduct business in your underwear.

I was going to take a brief trip to Seattle, this weekend to check out a job offer but I had to postpone it due to aforementioned Stupid People. I seriously need a vacation. I am taking two days off this week and unfortunately don’t have the time nor the funds for a weekend jaunt to Cancun. Luckily I have a back up plan to pitch a tent in the living room of my condo, turn on my noise machine to the “outdoor forest” setting and live in it for four days. For added realism, I have decided to pee outside on my patio, shit in a potted plant and use the sprinklers for a rain affect to take a shower in. I am seriously desperate for a get away.

UPDATE....

Weather alert… I just told my boss I was going home. And I did. I am now typing this while sitting in my living room in my underwear. I feel better already.

On the way home, I gave a coworker a ride to pick up her car….. at a strip bar. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up. Her best friend is stripper at a topless bar. So while we were on our way home to log back in to work… we stopped in had a few beers and met her friend “Kiss” as in Herseys and “Secret”. Let me tell you right now…Secret has no secrets…. I could see every inch of cellulite on that ho. There was so much I began to crave cottage cheese. And while we are discussing things that make me gag, let’s talk about Vagina Lips. Jesus, did all those girls up in there have children??? I know right now, if I am out in the middle of nowhere with a stripper and it’s below zero…my head is going right up their cootchie because those lips would be like ear muffs. I was impressed that they have all mastered what they call the “Pussy Pop”… where basically a move that pops their hips back and forth. For a moment, I thought there were a lot more people there than the 10 old men in the bar, then I realized that they weren’t doing a “Pop” there pussies were actually applauding. My hair was flying back from the lips smacking together… who needs windmills for generating electricity when we could just use strippers.

Even though I had the urge to gouge out my eyes, my friend, Kiss and I had a great time. I even earned 10 bucks before I left. Apparently my man boobs are perkier than the girls…

Even Leppers Need Love

2007-04-19T16:30:00.000-04:00

That's what I feel like at the moment. This damn sunburn is pissing me off. I have chunks of skin just falling off of me. The "peeling" process is awful. The new skin is all bright red and blotchy. It looks like someone splashed boiling water in my face. People keep asking what happened. I have come up with several good excuses.

1. I had to rush into a burning apartment to save a baby.
2. My Chemical peel went horrifically wrong and now I am suing.
3. I joined the save the Lobster campaign and am now dressing like one.
4. I am allergic to you..
5. What do you mean? (look in mirror and scream)

I went and had a few drinks after seeing a play last night. I had to wear a baseball cap with the brim pulled way down to hide my horrific face... It worked.... I ended up meeting a cute boy. We ended up talking until 1:30 this morning and I even received a good night kiss as he left. I scored his number and everything! You see lepers can be loved! He is supposed to call me this afternoon after he gets off work.. we'll see. With my luck he was probably shit faced and forgot all about me. Good thing I have degree in Stalking ( from the Cho Seung-Hui University for Krazy Koreans). I'll have to text him later and see if he will have my babies.

Peel me like a grape...

2007-04-18T14:45:00.000-04:00

I feel like Leather Face from Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it’s not because I am killing random people with a Chainsaw (surprisingly), although some day’s that does sound appealing. I joke of course. What self respecting gay man would ever own a Chainsaw? If we did then we would have to accessorize it by wearing a flannel shirt, suspenders and boots. Everyone knows that is lesbian wear and until Gucci comes out with fashionable flannel then I must admit I don’t see myself picking up a chainsaw. However, I still feel like Leather face. My sunburn has gone from the blistering oozy gooey stage (gross huh?) to the brown leather wrinkly peeling stage. I look like my mother does when she tans… I almost screamed when I looked in the mirror. I thought she had come to visit. Sadly it was just my reflection. I knew my man boobs had started to sag, I just never counted on them looking like my mothers.

Who knew that peeling skin could be so gratifying? I certainly rank that up there with picking at scabs and boogers.

So this whole Virginia Tech thing has got me thinking (and not about crazy Koreans and how they eat dog or was that the Vietnamese?) Anyway, I think maybe the ease at which we can receive information has become just as much as a hindrance as a help. It should only exist to inform us yet it seems to catapult into a media frenzy spurning copycats, national outrage, and primetime specials that interrupt Boston Legal. Have you ever taken the time to think how connected we are? What would we do without the internet, GPS, and mobile phones? It’s scary to think how much we rely on it on a daily basis. Even my CEO was crying today due to the Blackberry outage. It just hurts my heart to see him all broken up about it. Now instead of playing golf, he actually has to be at his computer. How sad is that? Personally, there are days when I admire people like Grizzly Adams… living out in the wilderness all alone, living off the land and having sex with Ben (the bear). Last night on the ABC primetime special with Diane Sawyer, ( I just love her) they brought up the topic of the media frenzy that this kind of event creates and how it helps to create copycats. In the report they basically said and I totally paraphrase that the media helps make these people into rockstars that other people look up to and want to be like. Then they proceeded to report on other mass murders starting with one that happened back in 1914. I find it a little Ironic… Not only did they show multiple mass murderers they also interrupted one of my favorite shows for a Special report. Hello POT… Kettle’s calling.

I just looked down and my desk has skin flakes all over it. I am shedding. Now I definitely can’t commit a crime. My DNA is all over the place… this is just like when I have sex… DNA everywhere… on my headboard, my wall, in my hair, on my ceiling, out the window-off the tree- bouncing off the old lady walking her dog and onto my asshole neighbors brand new BMW. SCORE!

I guess I just wonder how much coverage is enough. I feel for the families of the victims and the KK (Krazy Korean) but we won’t honestly ever know why he did it, we can only make assumptions. At what point should the media let it die? Not that any of this really matters. Media will never change. It’s always looking for the big stories. I’m just pissed they interrupted Denny Crain.

The moral of this story is don’t interrupt my TV viewing you bastards!

My tits really are sagging today…. Where the hell is CNN now?

I've been a busy BOY!

2007-04-17T16:02:00.000-04:00

What do you get when you mix Trailer Park Drama (not my mother….this time), CSI and 5,000 Skater Boys?

You get my life for the past two weeks. I’ve either been in heaven or hell. Seriously I knew I should have joined up with one of those religions that had a purgatory. Fucking Baptists…suckering me in like that… now It’s either/or, no in between. Well enough about my spiritual life, let’s talk about the physical one.

Last week, I had another friend move in with me. If you are keeping count, that’s two friends now living with me. The Motel de la Dysfunction is now declaring No Vacancy… I am ordering a Neon sign with friend repellent. If you even think about living with me, it will kick you in the balls and push you off to the curb. Patent is pending. So my new roomie, comes to me with nothing but the clothes on his back. To make a long story longer, I will attempt to explain it using the universal language of math so that everyone but me (I failed math) can understand it.

DEEP FRIED AND DOUBLE WIDE

Y=21 yr old
X^ 2=35 yr old Trailer Park Ho Married with two Kids
Z=Husband
Whereas Y+X ^ 2+Z= 3 people and two kids in a trailer all living together. X scored Y to be her new boy toy and has been controlling him ever since.

Q: If X + Z lived together for ten years and had two kids then Y is introduced, how many times do you think Y went in to X?
A: Too many times after Z discovered it using a Nanny Cam.

Now it’s

Y+X^2= one 21 yr old with no job and WT Ho with two kids trying support them on a assistant deli manager’s salary.

X ^ 2= realizes that a boy toy doesn’t pay bills. Now Y is homeless and living with Test Subject: Code Named Saviour ( Me)**

** this math problem does not include all factors such as police involvement and my black girl cussing out WT Ho over the phone.

He was a Skater Boy…

SUNDAY, was spent at Edge Fest 16. A local radio station’s festival concert with 27 alternative/rock/punk bands. This my friends was truly HEAVEN for me… although I did get a mean sunburn that is now blistering so maybe it was Hell? Whatever the case, there was nothing but sexy lean skater boys with their shirts off as far as the eye can see. I have never seen so much eye candy in one place. It was even better than shopping in Abercrombie and Fitch. Nothing says Lovin’ to me like multiple piercings, tattoos and a wild “up do”. It’s my one fetish I must admit. We were in the pit, rocking out to such bands as Jet, Papa Roach, My Chemical Romance and the Killers. I have bruises in place I didn’t know I could be bruised in. It was balls to the wall people. I was caught up in the middle of it all. I am such a perv…. My crotch was up against so many guy asses that I almost became Orgasmo right there in the crowd. I could have nutted and it would have been like spraying the entire crowd with a fire hose. Man I need to get laid. It’s been way too long. In other entertaining news, I learned something about concert etiquette that day. If you weigh over 200 pounds, crowd surfing is just not a good idea. If your ASS is bigger than the rest of you, CROWD SURFING IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. I can’t tell you how many fucking fat chicks thought it would be a good idea to crowd surf. Every time they came my way, all I got was hand full of fat pussy rolls or floppy tits. I almost gagged. My only joy was to see them fall face first on the ground. Oh and to the boy wearing the blue Basket ball shorts who smelled like a dead porn stars ass, please refrain from aiming your ass at me ever again. Every freaking time I turned around this guy’s ass was coming at me via crowd surfing. I don’t know if he was aiming or what. He must have surfed at least a dozen times. His only saving grace was the fact that he was cute... Next time I am just gonna bring a bottle of Febreeze. When I see that ass coming my way, I’ll spray it down and then attack….. that will teach him to aim for my head….

WHO ARE YOU? WHO WHO…

Last night I drove a couple of blocks over to my neighborhood bar to meet a friend for his birthday. While we there some guy was shot in the parking lot across the street. I walked outside and literally could see the crime scene. Dallas’s finest were standing there looking at body that they had sort of covered up. I could see the guy’s arm, side of the head and way too much blood. The poor bastard was mugged after he had been at the ATM. Finally after enough people had stopped to enjoy the carnage, they move cop cars in and around the scene to block the body. The sad thing was he was also out celebrating his birthday. It made me sick to my stomach. I hope they catch the fucking bastards that did this. It also made me wonder what was so special about nine months ago. Apparently everyone fucked that day and conceived. Must have been a good egg day. I waited to get Grissom’s autograph but he never showed. I didn’t even get to fuck Nick. I was hoping to use his latex gloves and everything. I so wanna be tied up with crime tape.

Allergies affect my blogs...

2007-04-12T16:23:00.000-04:00

I need vodka with a splash of Thera-Flu, Claratin and HGH. I have been sick for a few weeks now thanks to my Allergies.

So you can blame my allergies for the post below.
____________________________________________

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30 cents?

Number 2 - In the '60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions of cows in Canada, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Eulogy 101

2007-04-11T15:01:00.000-04:00

It’s amazing how many people waltz in and out of your life. Personally I prefer a good old polka… They may be with you for only a few days, a few weeks or even a few years but when you loose touch and look back, it seems to be only a blip on your radar. After college, I started my own life. I moved back to the city I grew up in only to realize that the friends I had before, had moved on or no longer accepted my new lifestyle (a hazard of living in the Bible Belt). I was alone and gay in the 9th largest city in America. I felt like I had to start all over. It was one of the scariest things a 21 year old can do. Now I am about to push 31 and have seen friends come and go. I have a few life long ones that have remained with me through thick and thin. And then there are those “blips”. Hundreds of them. I usually don’t think about them unless I run across them at a grocery store, a bar, or the corner where I whore myself out. Every now and then you meet someone who just stands out. It could be anybody. Someone you met at a party, someone you slept with, someone you slept with at a party in the host’s bedroom and he never knew about it until he found the stains the next day and then called you to find out what the hell that was…. Anyway, there have been a few people, mostly guys that I dated that really burned a spot in my brain. I would be doing nothing out of the ordinary, like shitting, when of them would pop into my head and I would find myself reminiscing about our days together. Michael was one of those guys. I met Michael when he was just a wee lad of 21. He was tall, skinny and a skater boy through and through. Avril Lavigne was even jealous. It’s ok; I know how to cut a bitch. She backed off and we began to date off and on over a period of a few years. I, being the “daddy” that I am, just wanted to settle down in a relationship but Michael wanted to sow his own wild oats (aka fuck anything with a hole and heart beat—the heart beat was definitely optional)… Realizing that it was hopeless, we parted ways. We didn’t talk for a long time after that. As luck would have it, I walked into a Starbucks and there he was… my cute little barista. A quick side note: Michael never had any real goals in his life. When I asked him what he wanted to do with his life, he told me that he didn’t know but thought being a barista was cool. Obviously he had achieved his dream. We can all take a lesson from Michael—Aim low and you too can achieve any goal you set out to achieve.**

Where was I? Right. So I walked in and ordered my Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Cappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One NutraSweet, and Ice and a piece of pound cake. He handed me my drink – with no spit to my surprise-- and said it was on him. I smiled and we began chatting. Soon we exchanged numbers and one thing led to another…. and we never really got around to calling or seeing each other again.

Michael passed away at the age of 25 on March 31, 2007. I just found out today. Apparently he had left a candle burning in his apartment, which they believe his dog knocked over. He died from smoke inhalation. Even with all my jokes, Michael was truly one of the most sensual, sensitive and nice guys I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I will never forget any of the time we spent together and more than anything I am saddened by the fact that I will never have another opportunity to hug him ( he gave the BEST hugs ever) and tell him how much I cared for him.

Goodbye Michael…

I’ll miss you.

** I fully support all Starbucks Baristas. In fact, I have slept with more than my fair share.

Office, Gym and Jack Handy

2007-04-10T16:36:00.000-04:00

I’d like everybody to know that today is supposed to be the day when I will be announced as the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. (Even though I am gay and don’t like to snort coochie.)

I went to the gym yesterday. It’s the first time since my two month hiatus. I walked in, looked at a machine, immediately started sweating and became out of breath. So I just went into the locker room and stared at naked guys. It’s was the best work out I have had. Now I am sore … from staring. It was such hard work. In fact, I think I may go ahead and do it again tonight. I hope to be thin by the summer. Lord knows I want to look good in my man-kini.

I feel like playing in traffic today or getting my asshole waxed. Anything to end this day…

I have been playing musical cubes here at work. Last Friday I arrived to find out to find out that I had been evicted from mine. As of yesterday I am in my new cube and it sucks. Well of course it does! I seriously should start a design company that offers cubicles with style. At least give me some color… and a wall that isn’t covered in cheap ass fabric that shows every stain known to mankind. (none of the stains are mine by the way) Every freaking cubicle looks the same. Light beige fabric walls, dark and light grey drawers and cabinets. I’ve seen Bum’s cardboard houses with more style.

A brief note from my Idol: Jack Handy: Whenever I need to `get away,' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing, there are the flies. They're terrible!

Update: they just announced Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna’s bebe…. I was shocked that it wasn’t me! But it’s alright, I slept with him too.

Dates... and I'm not talking fruit.

2007-04-09T14:02:00.000-04:00

I decided to make a list.

Flight Attendants.

Retail Workers

Bartenders

Waiters

Nurses

Hairdressers

Child Molesters

And

Puerto Ricans

This is a list of professions. If you work in one of these, I won't date you. You'll notice that Puerto Rican's are the only nationality to be listed. To put it simply, that Island could sink and I wouldn't care. I have yet to meet one worth a damn. I'd rather date a blind Mexican Midget than date another Puerto Rican.... (I'm not bitter) AND No I haven't dated a blind Mexican midget... yet.

If you are keeping score... that's Wheelchair boy yes... blind midget No.

Dating just sucks. The online dating sites only make it worse. No matter how big the font is that says I prefer guys around my own age, I still get profile views from 80 year old men. I just can't imagine what I would have in common with them. Of course, It might be worth the toothless blowjobs. Something about gumming my cock kind of turns me on.

Also, I prefer to leave the humpbacks to Disney and a certain species of Whales. Did you hear that Mr DALLASGUYFORU? So you have a cute face.... still I just cant get over the fact that you have an extra person growing off your back. How is it that these freaks find me? I mean I know I fly a "freak flag" but I was hoping for some hot skater or punk guys. I'd do a Mohawk. Somehow calling my date Quasimodo, while in bed, doesn't do it for me. I need Sanctuary....

SANCTUUUUUAAAAARY....

What's even more irritating is that the grass is always greener on the other side. Why is that every guy that I think is hot--who shows an interest in me--is from out of state or another fucking country? Seriously eh, there is one Canadian that I want to play with his "hoser".

Speaking of Islands that SUCK ( see Puerto Ricans above), why is it that Filipino's constantly hit on me... and why is that there are SOOOOO many gay men there? And why don't they date each other? Honestly, I don't know that I can date anymore Asians. I tried. Somehow it just never works out. Every time we have sex, I want it again 30 minutes later. Never satisfying.

Dating shouldn't be this hard.

more to come tomorrow....

Yeah I am that bored....

2007-04-04T11:34:00.000-04:00

" CUMMING SOON...."

"Had more kids ripped out of it than a burning orphanage"

Survey Suicide

2007-04-03T13:08:00.000-04:00

What size bed do you have?
A Queen Sized one of Course!

Who's your second mom?
My Aunt. i try not to think of the first one... with her Mullet and all, it just gives me gas.

Do you have "your chair" or "your spot" on the couch in your house?
Yes... My Ass groove is clearly marked.

Which friend's house do you spend the most time at?:
I don't... unless you count Tisha's and then I am usually doing laundry.

What was your favorite class in high school?
Theater! I loved it so... and I miss it dearly.

What are your first memories?
Shocking the shit out of myself by putting a hairpin into hairdryer that was plugged in. Now you know the secret to my genius... I started out dumb as shit but after a high voltage jolt I have gained these incredible super powers.

How much did you weigh when you were born?:
I was FAT okay... Now stop bringing it up... you know I still carry around that weight.

Did you use paper bags or a lunch box?
Lunch Box Baby.... Voltron to the MAX...

What's the last CD you bought?
Bought..HAHAHAHAHA Fuck the RIAA

Do you play your music at harmful decibel levels?
Doesn't everyone?

iTunes or Windows Media Player?
iTunes biatch.... WMP locks up way too much.

What is the number one characteristic you look for in a guy?
Stamina....

Do you dress for style or comfort?
Dress? I believe in Nudism.

Microwave or stove?
Either or.... who come sup with these fucking questions? What moron just sits around all day creating these surveys? Who cares about a microwave or a stove? Stupid Mother fuckers...I should kick you ass ....and then give you a makeover.

Are you addicted to soda?
Diet cock... i mean coke.

When you find a favorite song do you listen to it over and over?
This is Why I'm hot. This is why, this why Im hot...This is why I'm hot.

Stranded on a desert island... what 3 things would you take with you?A boat... dumbass.

Should country music die?
NO! Where can we listen to sage advice about divorcing our dog, feeding our wives and boot scooting? Oh nevermind... I don't care

Should the guy make the first move?
I'm gay...If a girl makes the first move..it better be to ask the guy I like if he's single.

Movie theatre or Blockbuster?
Blockbuster. Less cell phones and babies crying. Now if I could only get myself to stop talking to myself during the movie...

Do you like pump tops or flip caps better?
Pump tops?? What kind of pump we talking about?

Are you afraid of heights?
Only whne I am really high up.

How about clowns?
I wanna fuck a clown...

Do you have a credit/debit card?
why? You ain't getting it if I do... I am on to your little game.

How much money do you have in the bank right now?
Enough... to make all my wild dreams come true...as long as those dreams involve the 99 cent store and maybe a can of store brand canned whipped cream.

If you were alive in the 60s, would you have been a hippie?
I look awful with long hair... unless it's on my back.

Would you have been obsessed with the Elvis?
Fat Elvis... HAWT...

How about the Beatles?
I love Volkswagons!

Have you ever considered suicide?
all the time...in fact I am considering it right now. Death by surveys.

Are lottery tickets a waste of money?
Yes until you win.

Are you cool with "living together"?
Depends on how easily they "give it up"....

Do you use a lot of abbreviations on IM?
WTF? LOL. um no.

Do blonde's really have more fun?
I'm blonde... and yet I can't say whether I have more fun or not. Depends on what I am drinking I guess..

If you could live in another country, what would it be?
I already live in Texas..and it's like a whole nother country... what more do you want from me?

Is there too much security everywhere these days?
Not in my pants. Somehow people just keep getting into them.

Where were you when you heard about the World Trade Towers?
In bed, recovering from a hangover.

Does brown belt and black shoes bother you?
No I love watching fashionable retards... Down Syndrome never looked so good!

Do you follow fashion rules like "no white after labor day"?
I follow rules like " No wite ever, because it makes you look like a lard ass"

Are camera phones worth it?
um yes... especially for sending naughty pics.

Are there too many commercials on TV?
I dunno...I tivo everything and then fast forward...

How many times have you moved?
I move every day. I just put all my shit in my shopping cart and head to a new overpass.

What can you see out your bedroom window?
My Patio and the guy who gets naked in his window in the Condos next door.

Was O.J. Simpson guilty?
Who cares? Seriously you want an ass kicking don't you...

Do you like crab-meat?
Only on my genitals.

Are you lactose intolerant?
No...I am survey intolerant though...

Have you ever had surgery?
No...but I need a tit reduction.

Are guys or girls better kissers?
Guys/girls...I dont care..at this point I'd take anything... come here Sparky...

Best kiss you've ever had?My ex bf Clint... the softest supple lips ever... fucking bastard... he's a cunt.

Was any member of your family a Mason?
Yes but I can't tell you or they will kill me.

Can you recite the first paragraph of the Gettysburg Address?
1000 Gettysburg Apt 1A ...

Are your parents proud of you?
My Mullet Mamma is always proud of me. I could shit on a brick and she'd think it was fabulous.

Do you have a universal password?
Of course...way too many memberships to porn sites...

How many numbers do you have in your phone?
Um hold on let me count....Fuck you..likeI don't have anything better to do?!

Why Stop Now??

2007-03-30T13:58:00.000-04:00

ANNA NICOLE FINALLY REACHES TARGET WEIGHT

HILARIOUS ARTICLE FROM THE ONION!

NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Former stripper turned Playboy Playmate turned reality-TV star Anna Nicole Smith has overcome her longtime struggle with obesity, at last reaching her target weight of 125 pounds, sources said Monday.

"Anna's been through a lot," said Florida Circuit Court Judge Larry Seidlin, who became visibly emotional as he spoke to reporters. "But I think it's fair to say that she hasn't been this happy in years."

READ WHOLE ARTICLE: THEONION

Your Anus is Unremarkable.

2007-03-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

No I didn't say that to my date last night....

It must suck to be famous during times like these...

(click to enlarge)

BLOGGER LOVE...

2007-03-26T14:06:00.000-04:00

Normally I am biased against anyone else who might have an ounce of my creative genious...HOWEVER...I came across this blogtiste who takes news articles and then hilariously rewrites them.

if you get a second check him out... show some love...

OBSERVATIONS

2007-03-26T13:48:00.000-04:00

Editor's note: I received this next segment in an email. It might be a repost but who the fuck cares? I mean really. If you're reading this blog now then your probably just goofing off at work anyway.

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in sick to work: "Hello. Can't
work today, still queer."
~ Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell
your mother.
~ Charles Pierce

"Dear Abby," In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving
in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to
improve the quality of the neighborhood. 'You could move.'
~ Abigail Van Buren.

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next
time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are
homosexual instead of running off to Canada.
~ Lorne Bloch

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just
afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a
faggot?"
~ Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying
for a man, and I'm giving them my share.
~ Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they
are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as
soldiers; we should be used as weapons.

~ Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to
shoot straight.
~ Barry Goldwater

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding
guns than holding hands?
~ Ernest Gaines

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were
broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
~ W. Somerset Maugham

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
~ Author Unknown

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be
called "ecstatic."
~ Shelly Roberts

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was
a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.
~ Amanda Bearse

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's
like disapproving of rain....
~ Francis Maude

The only queer people are those who don't love anybody....
~ Rita Mae Brown

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to
heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
It's just that they need more supervision.
~ Lynn Lavner

If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been
wallpapered.
~Robin Tyler

I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, "Well, hey, we don't
have a heterosexual- pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?"
I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: "Why don't we have a Kid's
Day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a Kid's
Day?" My mom would always say, "Every day is Kid's Day." To all those
heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every
day is heterosexual- pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not piss
on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?
--Adam Rowland

PSA from Deep in the Heart of Texas

2007-03-23T12:01:00.000-04:00

LIFE Tip #1: After handling Jalapenos, it is important to wash your hands.

And above all... do NOT Masturbate immediately after.
________

I find that sometimes we need a gentle reminder on these little life lessons. Me Especially. I love to make homemade salsa. I also love to masturbate. The two, together, leads to a very unpleasant experience. Did you know that no matter how much water you put on your dick... it still BURNS. Soap helped....a little. At least now my dick is clean, germ free and smells like Strawberry-Kiwi. But, it still had the Ben Gay on your Cooter burning sensation. So I did the only thing I could think of.... I stripped out of my pants and underwear... and sat directly in front of a fan. Letting it blow in the breeze. Come to think of it, it's the only blow job I have had in a while.

There is something very freeing about feeling the wind softly caress your pubes. I looked down upon my manhood...lying there, twitching like a dying animal from the heat. It was a mountain in a see of hair. My pubes were moving back and forth like an ocean wave. There were these calming ripples across my pelvis as if the wind had just blew through a large field of wheat. I sighed...and immediately became disgusted. I needed to manscape something terrible. I had neglected it. As I looked more closely it reminded me of an overgrown yard in the middle of the ghetto. My Crabs were hanging out on my dick like a broke down car on cinder blocks. How could I have let it get this bad? My crabs didn't deserve this! I decided the best thing to do was go to the bathroom and get to trimming. An hour and a new Afro wig later, I had a freshly shorn scrotum. There is nothing that feels better than a smooth nut sack..

At once I felt as if everything in the world had come together. As if love and peace reigned supreme. There were no more terrorist plots. No more global warming. No more Republicans. All was right within the world and all because I had shaved my balls... and burned my dick.

So please, Men, for the love of bald black people and rain forests everywhere, please shave your balls! Donate that hair to Locks of Love and feel free to teabag the world!

This has been a Pubic Service Announcement from Dallas DysFUNction and NBC*

* NBC has not officially endorsed this statement.

A Tampon a day .... keeps my Condo from imploding

2007-03-20T15:34:00.000-04:00

My Condo is falling apart. I decided 5 years ago when moving into my condo that the “lease to own” was the way to go. It’s rather a smart way of renting, I think. It lets me test it out without commitment. You see, my condominium is rather old and I was afraid of hidden issues. In many ways, it’s like dating. You try it out and if it just doesn’t work, you move on. In my case, I am dating an approximately 90 year old woman with a dry dusty vagina, saggy tits and an ass crack that goes on for miles but she still looks good from afar.

Normally, when something major goes wrong I just pick up the phone and call my scary cat lady landlord --Bob. Bob is an eccentric gay man who values cats more than anything. In fact he keeps one condo just for his cats. They have the run of the place. I’m almost positive that your next local news story about Feces and Felines will probably come from him.

No, the truth is, I love Bob but lately he hasn’t been attentive to my needs. A year ago, my bathroom flooded. Apparently I had a “pad leak”. I thought the wing tips help keep the pad in place and stopped the leaks… but for whatever reason I had one. (I plan to write a stern letter to Maxipad, Inc when I get a chance). So he called in the Mexicans… who can apparently fix leaks and mow your lawn… they are so handy, those Mexicans…I seriously don’t see what the problem is to the whole immigration issue. They cook, they clean, and they help you with your pad! I heart Mexicans. Viva la Tacos! Anyway, the bastards came in fixed the leak and left a hole in my floor… No follow through at all. Half ass job. No wonder their country is crap.

This really isn’t about the hole that’s still in bathroom floor…this about the leak that happened the other day when it rained. I was sitting at home when I heard water hitting the tile in the kitchen. It was coming from a crack in my wall just above the patio door. I was at a loss. It started raining harder and the leak got worse. Soon it was like a mini waterfall. Panicking I threw a roll of paper towels at it but it wouldn’t stop! My kitchen was flooding…. Think…think…THINK… What would Martha Stewart do in this situation? That’s when it came to me. I ran into my guest bathroom. I opened the cabinet and there they were! The greatest invention of all time for leak stopping…TAMPONS. Fortunately a girlfriend of mine was staying with me at the time and had a box readily available! I grabbed them ran into the kitchen and started ripping them open with my teeth. I inserted the applicator into the crack and pushed! They expanded and filled in the crack and the leak slowed to a trickle.

You should have seen the faces of the repair guys who came to patch up the leak… luckily all they had to do was pull the handy dandy string and out they came!

I have patent pending on my new leak stopper tampons.

I’m gonna be rich.

Oh and the hole is still in my bathroom floor. I just cover it with a rug. I have lost many good friends to it. A few more of them and it will finally be filled.